Teenage years

This blog means the world to me but it is from a time in my life that is so different from the one I'm living now that it doesn't feel right to suddenly start posting on it again after so long and so much has changed. So i started a new blog for my readers of which there are about two here is a link.
http://hez-thebeginnings.blogspot.com/

This probably makes no sense.

People, People, PEOPLE.

The thing is, it's people from school that are annoying me. Apparently facebook is a place were the twats from high school, who you really didn't like in the first place and vice versa, add you and write: irriating, happy, go lucky, friendly, shite on your page like " How are you?" " oh is going for a fag then bed" WHO GIVES A RATS ARSE!? I don't like facebook and yet I'm on it, and i still don't know why, its just to laugh and take the piss really. I guess.

Argh!

People that think they are cool just aren't and just come across as fake and desperate. People who think They are the people, most deffinetly aren't the people.

People can go fuck themselves and if one more pointless shit head from schoolwho never liked me, bitched about me or just adds me to show how great their life if can get lost, and can get wacked across the head with a roof slate for all i care.

Stupid, fuck wits

Hello all,

So much has changed i don't know where to start so i guess lets start with the simple stuff.
.... I can't think of anything.

I don't know what to say....

Just one thing, I'm sorry Yvonne and Nicole.

I feel i can't do this anymore, got to see a talker that i don't know, back on the meds, I'm living with my boyfriend, sister and her boyfriend, all in a smal house. I really need to write a book about this.

it's just a soul crying out.

I guess i should have seen it coming, I've been moaning for change for months and now I've got i don't know how to deal with it. It almost feels as if i have had my heart broken, i can't eat, sleep, it consumes me, why would this happen, whats brought it on?

I don't understand the risks they're taking, the only way i could possibly understand it was if they were one hundred percent certain about it. It's such a big risk i emotionally don't know how to comprehend it which makes it even more of a shock. I was angry, confused and really upset when i found out. For years, a huge majority of my life i have been trying my hardest to ignore what could have been, things i should have had, stopped myself from wondering why others can experience it but i can't. I just accepted it, and came to the conclusion as quickly as i could that it was just the way my life was suppose to be and learned to live with it. Since then the world has become somewhere i don't understand the slightest, i have lost trust in most things, nothing simple anymore in fact when i look back to my past i don't see anything clearly everything is a big mess of colours and so many memories its over whelming. I don't see one happy moment of my life, or a really fun, boring, sad, exciting or scary moment i see many different moments of emotions some have all the emotions at the same time and some have emotions i don't even have words for.

All i can say on the subject now is i hope it's all worth it because if this doesn't work and i have been opened to this threat for no reason i don't know how i would deal with that. As i said almost nine years of my life i have spend avoiding this, protecting myself and others from it, now to have it ripped open and let out into the day light for everyone to see was almost to much to begin with but if it was all for nothing but to now live with these once buried emotions now very much alive in me every minute of every day as well as everything else. I think i might just burst.

How long is it going to be like this? Everything is wrong! I don't know how to make it right, or what right is or even what the hell it is thats wrong. I want a life! I want to have fun and actually look forward to something and is it much to ask to actually feel excited about something!! Excitement would be awesome or just feeling good, a nice warm feeling like if i died now it would be fine by me. I'm 18 meant to be best uears of my like and its the most dull and boring and shit!

Check out tiffany page.

X

This room is so small and all my stuff is in it and Ryans, it's a bit of a nightmare. Normally it doesn't bother me, but I don't know whats wrong with me lately. I watch TV shows i normally hate and look at how their lives are turning out and where mine is and comparing (which is never good) getting frustrated and completely fed up with everything. I have no friends where i live apart from people i know through Ryan.I'm suppose to be starting college in August if i turn up to the interview which i want to do still but to be honest I'm kind of scared and what if i complete;y suck? I just wish i could find something I'm actually good at and something i can specialise in and say yeah I can kick your ass at this. Its pathetic i know.

I think this all started when someone reminded me at work of someone who i really dislike. I met them a few years ago while living in Annan and they just made me feel like this - - big. They opened the door and i lost my words they had this Ora about them and everyone loved them and they have the life style i could of had did everything better than me and got what ever they wanted. I guess i knew before that i was a bit of a loser but always hoped i would be someone or have at least something more to my name. This person brings out the worst in me and in the end its turned out I'm the bad person and even More of a loser than i initially thought i was and now I'm alone apart from Ryan and family and charlotte in Glasgow. Thats! another thing! This peson is living there, my home no way are they good enough or even appreciatetive anough and argh what am i talking about they have probably made everyone their fall in love with them and think that they are the best thing since sliced bread and have met everyone i knew and turned all them against me.

I' know I'm being stupid but i can't help it i feel like crap and thinking about them today was like a kick in the face when I'm already down. I'm just frustraited because I'm in a job that i can't go any further in because I'm starting college in August which seems like ages away and I'm just wasteing time until then. I have no friends but as everyone says I'm sure I will make friends at college but thats like my summer fucked and Argh. I miss Charlotte its hard getting the money to go up and see her i should be able to in May, and she will have finished her exams by then i think. Anyway the room is a mess again and its only a day later since i last spoke about it.

Shift it!

I’m stressed and I have no idea why. Today I have got up and sat around the room with the TV on doing nothing when I actually have quite a lot to do. The washing needs done, the Dishes, Need to have a shower, clean the room and be organised in time to leave for the bus to go visit my Dad. This room is a mess and I can’t even blame me boyfriend because it is mostly my mess. Argh there is an awkward part on the TV between to people who were married then split then tried again and split again and it cringe to watch. Argh this show is awful!! I want to scream, my skin is crawling!!!

Now their singing!! That’s it changing the channel... I can’t find the remote!! Ahhh!

Ok, got it, sorted.

AHHH it’s got worse!! Someone is proposing and its HORRIBLE AHAHAHAHAHAHA, I want to cry!!!

Oh, it’s actually quite sad... Oh well defiantly turning over now.

I should probably write something that is worth reading, recently I’ve been really stressed because i felt I was running out of time, you know. Now doing anything with my time and it would all go to waste and I had this image of me being an old woman sitting in her lounge having done nothing she had planned for her life. I don’t want to be like that, I would love to travel the world, find a profession I’m great at and enjoy, seeing and experiencing so many things the world has to offer. I have to stop freaking out though and just enjoy whatever is happening and instead of sitting feeling shit about the area I live and how little there is to do, I should be out there making the most of what little it does have to offer. There is plenty I could be doing with my time I’m just too lazy to actually get up off my arse and do it. I could go for bike rides and long walks, I normally wait until Ryan is round to do that stuff but why should I? I don’t have to confidence to go out on my own but I’m never going to get it if I don’t get out there and actually do it!! I used to have to confidence I wouldn’t have even given it a second thought.

SO yeah rant over and I’m still bloody sitting here... That’s it,

Get up!!

hmm what too saayyy.....

This morning wasn't the best start to things, I was on my way to get the bus for going to the doctors and it never turned up so i couldn't go again, which i feel bad about. Actually.. Thats all that really happened today now i think about it. Ryan and me moved his room around which was funny, He ended up getting stressed and said i wasn't helping. tehe, oh well. I think the moving of the room came on after last night i went in a mood with him because i felt iw as making most of the sacrifices and that he wasn't bothered about my moving day. I had brought all my stuff over and he just wanted to get it sorted out so he could play his game. Which was fair enough it was a new game but at the same time, this was me moving in, offically. Having my stuff in his house and actually living here, i needed space to put and have as my own to put things and have a home for my things and it was like he wasn't willing to spare anyroom apart form a few draws. Anyway, He has made an effort now so its dealt with.

There really isn't much else to say apart from that.

Laters

I have to go to the doctors and i really!! Can't be bothered!!!!!

Toooo daa dooo

Hi again.

I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Its very exciting, i think i would be more excited if i felt any strong vibe from him that he is OK with it. It was his and his Mum's suggestion, I'm just worried that now it's all going ahead he wont want it as much. I wonder if he realizes how much of a change its going to make to his life and mine, as well as his mum's. I have packed my stuff to keep it to a minimum but there is still a lot and I'm particular about how i have it layed out. I know there will have to be sacrifices I'm prepared for that, I just wonder if he is and argh just whats going on in his head!?

I miss Charlotte, i dunno why, I think its just hanging out with a good friend i miss. I know i know i have Ryan but that's different we are going out and now and as much as i love spending time with him, so much so that when he is gone for not even two days i don't know what to do with myself. How pathetic. I just miss going to the cinemas or just somewhere to go chill out and say hello. I keep having these dreams were I'm being chased by someone and many people, for about a week now and almost, if not every night. Normally they are after someone i care about such as Ryan, Charlotte my sisters or my Mum. I usually get them away safely and than i have to deal with the people trying to kill us. Its horrible not matter what i do i know in the end i will die. I know I'm dying every night and i don't know what to do, they're getting worse.

Do you ever feel that you are a spectator of your own life, like you watch each day pass but your not quite part of it. I have felt like that for quite a while now, and slowly i believe I'm beginning to come out of it, waking up almost. This is a horrible experience. It causes more panic attacks stress and worry but at the same time I'm still floating so to some extent I'm still chilled inside and almost just don't care anymore. I don't give a damn about anything that i don't see as highly important or worthwhile.