Manic thoughts
Wake up. look around. Read.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Teenage years
http://hez-thebeginnings.blogspot.com/
Monday, August 23, 2010
This probably makes no sense.
The thing is, it's people from school that are annoying me. Apparently facebook is a place were the twats from high school, who you really didn't like in the first place and vice versa, add you and write: irriating, happy, go lucky, friendly, shite on your page like " How are you?" " oh is going for a fag then bed" WHO GIVES A RATS ARSE!? I don't like facebook and yet I'm on it, and i still don't know why, its just to laugh and take the piss really. I guess.
Argh!
People that think they are cool just aren't and just come across as fake and desperate. People who think They are the people, most deffinetly aren't the people.
People can go fuck themselves and if one more pointless shit head from schoolwho never liked me, bitched about me or just adds me to show how great their life if can get lost, and can get wacked across the head with a roof slate for all i care.
Stupid, fuck wits
Friday, June 25, 2010
So much has changed i don't know where to start so i guess lets start with the simple stuff.
.... I can't think of anything.
I don't know what to say....
Just one thing, I'm sorry Yvonne and Nicole.
I feel i can't do this anymore, got to see a talker that i don't know, back on the meds, I'm living with my boyfriend, sister and her boyfriend, all in a smal house. I really need to write a book about this.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
it's just a soul crying out.
I don't understand the risks they're taking, the only way i could possibly understand it was if they were one hundred percent certain about it. It's such a big risk i emotionally don't know how to comprehend it which makes it even more of a shock. I was angry, confused and really upset when i found out. For years, a huge majority of my life i have been trying my hardest to ignore what could have been, things i should have had, stopped myself from wondering why others can experience it but i can't. I just accepted it, and came to the conclusion as quickly as i could that it was just the way my life was suppose to be and learned to live with it. Since then the world has become somewhere i don't understand the slightest, i have lost trust in most things, nothing simple anymore in fact when i look back to my past i don't see anything clearly everything is a big mess of colours and so many memories its over whelming. I don't see one happy moment of my life, or a really fun, boring, sad, exciting or scary moment i see many different moments of emotions some have all the emotions at the same time and some have emotions i don't even have words for.
All i can say on the subject now is i hope it's all worth it because if this doesn't work and i have been opened to this threat for no reason i don't know how i would deal with that. As i said almost nine years of my life i have spend avoiding this, protecting myself and others from it, now to have it ripped open and let out into the day light for everyone to see was almost to much to begin with but if it was all for nothing but to now live with these once buried emotions now very much alive in me every minute of every day as well as everything else. I think i might just burst.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Check out tiffany page.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
X
I think this all started when someone reminded me at work of someone who i really dislike. I met them a few years ago while living in Annan and they just made me feel like this - - big. They opened the door and i lost my words they had this Ora about them and everyone loved them and they have the life style i could of had did everything better than me and got what ever they wanted. I guess i knew before that i was a bit of a loser but always hoped i would be someone or have at least something more to my name. This person brings out the worst in me and in the end its turned out I'm the bad person and even More of a loser than i initially thought i was and now I'm alone apart from Ryan and family and charlotte in Glasgow. Thats! another thing! This peson is living there, my home no way are they good enough or even appreciatetive anough and argh what am i talking about they have probably made everyone their fall in love with them and think that they are the best thing since sliced bread and have met everyone i knew and turned all them against me.
I' know I'm being stupid but i can't help it i feel like crap and thinking about them today was like a kick in the face when I'm already down. I'm just frustraited because I'm in a job that i can't go any further in because I'm starting college in August which seems like ages away and I'm just wasteing time until then. I have no friends but as everyone says I'm sure I will make friends at college but thats like my summer fucked and Argh. I miss Charlotte its hard getting the money to go up and see her i should be able to in May, and she will have finished her exams by then i think. Anyway the room is a mess again and its only a day later since i last spoke about it.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Shift it!
I’m stressed and I have no idea why. Today I have got up and sat around the room with the TV on doing nothing when I actually have quite a lot to do. The washing needs done, the Dishes, Need to have a shower, clean the room and be organised in time to leave for the bus to go visit my Dad. This room is a mess and I can’t even blame me boyfriend because it is mostly my mess. Argh there is an awkward part on the TV between to people who were married then split then tried again and split again and it cringe to watch. Argh this show is awful!! I want to scream, my skin is crawling!!!
Now their singing!! That’s it changing the channel... I can’t find the remote!! Ahhh!
Ok, got it, sorted.
AHHH it’s got worse!! Someone is proposing and its HORRIBLE AHAHAHAHAHAHA, I want to cry!!!
Oh, it’s actually quite sad... Oh well defiantly turning over now.
I should probably write something that is worth reading, recently I’ve been really stressed because i felt I was running out of time, you know. Now doing anything with my time and it would all go to waste and I had this image of me being an old woman sitting in her lounge having done nothing she had planned for her life. I don’t want to be like that, I would love to travel the world, find a profession I’m great at and enjoy, seeing and experiencing so many things the world has to offer. I have to stop freaking out though and just enjoy whatever is happening and instead of sitting feeling shit about the area I live and how little there is to do, I should be out there making the most of what little it does have to offer. There is plenty I could be doing with my time I’m just too lazy to actually get up off my arse and do it. I could go for bike rides and long walks, I normally wait until Ryan is round to do that stuff but why should I? I don’t have to confidence to go out on my own but I’m never going to get it if I don’t get out there and actually do it!! I used to have to confidence I wouldn’t have even given it a second thought.
SO yeah rant over and I’m still bloody sitting here... That’s it,
Get up!!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
hmm what too saayyy.....
There really isn't much else to say apart from that.
Laters
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, March 08, 2010
Toooo daa dooo
I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Its very exciting, i think i would be more excited if i felt any strong vibe from him that he is OK with it. It was his and his Mum's suggestion, I'm just worried that now it's all going ahead he wont want it as much. I wonder if he realizes how much of a change its going to make to his life and mine, as well as his mum's. I have packed my stuff to keep it to a minimum but there is still a lot and I'm particular about how i have it layed out. I know there will have to be sacrifices I'm prepared for that, I just wonder if he is and argh just whats going on in his head!?
I miss Charlotte, i dunno why, I think its just hanging out with a good friend i miss. I know i know i have Ryan but that's different we are going out and now and as much as i love spending time with him, so much so that when he is gone for not even two days i don't know what to do with myself. How pathetic. I just miss going to the cinemas or just somewhere to go chill out and say hello. I keep having these dreams were I'm being chased by someone and many people, for about a week now and almost, if not every night. Normally they are after someone i care about such as Ryan, Charlotte my sisters or my Mum. I usually get them away safely and than i have to deal with the people trying to kill us. Its horrible not matter what i do i know in the end i will die. I know I'm dying every night and i don't know what to do, they're getting worse.
Do you ever feel that you are a spectator of your own life, like you watch each day pass but your not quite part of it. I have felt like that for quite a while now, and slowly i believe I'm beginning to come out of it, waking up almost. This is a horrible experience. It causes more panic attacks stress and worry but at the same time I'm still floating so to some extent I'm still chilled inside and almost just don't care anymore. I don't give a damn about anything that i don't see as highly important or worthwhile.