I’m going Home.

Here I am again, on the train back from another adventure. I’m torn now. One thing I want to go back for and go back to that place I love. It would be wrong . Annan yeah part of me hates it, its dull always got over cast, not much to do unless you have money and good company. Despite so much that I say about it and how much I complain about how its hell on earth and arse whole end of Scotland. I keep coming back to it. I have to say,at this point in my life Annan is where I want to be and where for the moment I’m considering Home. For the First time in 6 or 7 years my mum and Dad are in the same place, I have friends and family around me and the freedom I have craved for so long. Everything I want and need is in the one place. One thing missing but they aren’t difficult to get in touch with. I have spent the last year watching most people around me, go home to their parents family and friends. They has so much freedom and trust around them going out to parties and not returning to go knows when, I never want to be part of the social scene, but the going shopping and meeting up with their mum or spending the day with there dad. That’s what I longed for to be me and free around someone so easily as they were, they didn’t appreciate it and for a long time neither did i. The first thing I’m going to do when I get money is take my mum out for lunch the last time we did that was some time last year. Far to long. I’m also going to go to the library with Dad, find a second hand radio and listen top music while reading with him in his flat with the windows open fully. My sister ah, Katrina, well me and her are going to go on a great shopping trip so huge ! that for ever we will remember it and the best thing is, that at the end we will be going home together and not on separate trains heading in completely opposite directions. I have missed everyone, and now its time to head home and be with all those who no mater what shit I have done and I have put them through, have hugged me at the end of the day and said the five words I long to hear. “Its going to be ok” These are the people in life who I get up in the morning for. Yeah you may argue that its only because of blood and they have to due to family ties yeah well maybe for you but that’s what makes it great these people want to be in my company and appreciate my input, I have an effect on their lives and when I’m not around they notice, If I’m not quite right they notice, They know what to say and what to do. They are frank with me even when I don’t appreciate it, my arse looks big in something they let me know, sometimes to happily ¬¬ *Katrina*. I believe that for the past 6 years each one of us, mum, dad, Katrina and me, have each been on our own adventures, stories we had to follow, people we had to become and now eventually we all meet again. So much more further on in out chapters and different people but at the same time, unchangeable characters. Our books are no where near finished, but all these separate stories intertwine again and together we all stand in a room, looking at each other. Hell yeah there is awkwardness and many questions. Its not the end, and in no way a happy one if anything it’s a beginning. Big parts of everyone’s lives have changes, we are all taking the next steps in very big and important parts of our lives, saying good bye to six years we will never forget and never fully move on from but carry with us into the next.

Bad Habit by The Dresden Dolls

biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...

and you might say it's self-indulgent
you might say its self-destructive
but, you see, it's more productive
than if i were to be healthy

& pens and penknives take the blame
crane my neck & scratch my name
but the ugly marks
are worth the momentary gain...
when i jab a sharpened object in
choirs of angels seem to sing
hymns of hate in memorandum

and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive
but, you see, it's more productive
than if i were to be happy

and sappy songs about sex and cheating
bland accounts of two lovers meeting
make me want to give mankind a beating

and you might say it's self-destructive
but, you see, i'd kick the bucket
sixty times before i'd kick the habit

and as the skin rips off i cherish the revolting thought
that even if i quit
there's not a chance in hell i'd stop
and anyone can see the signs
mittens in the summertime
thank you for your pity, you are too kind

and you might say its self-inflicted
but you see that's contradictive
why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?

and pain opinions are sitcom feeding
they dont know that their minds are teething
makes me want to give mankind a beating

i'm tried bandages and sinking
i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline
i've tried everything
and no-one cares if your back is bleeding
they're concerned with their hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading

makes me want to give myself a beating....

Come into my world.

Well this Is what I call pleasant. Sitting outside on the porch, where only a few weeks ago I was sitting trying to revise for my History exam. Listening and trying to appreciate the buzz of a neighbors lawnmower and the bark of a dog far off in the distance. I was walking down into town from school that other day and I was looking out to what was in front of me. This beautiful view, the sea mountains and pleasant place that Helensburgh is, but I couldn’t appreciate any of it or enjoy the situation I was in, not having school to deal with and being able to spend time doing things I enjoy. I don’t know what I enjoy anymore or what I want or like to do anymore!!! I don’t feel anything!! Its driving me mad. What’s bothering me even more is that I have an idea of how I want things and what I could do and create to make me happy. When ever I get the opportunity to do it I just sit and can’t find a tiny bit of energy or enthusiasm to do anything!! Even something small like get some to eat or open the window. What is wrong with me?

This scene would be perfect if it wasn’t for this weight constantly pulling me down. If this is what its like to be in the real world or “big world” as adults like t refer to it as, well I need something more because how they deal with this every day I have no idea. I owe people money and its not a lot but its bothering me, and there isn’t anyone really moaning about it to be or bothering me about it. Its all in my head, always on the back of my mind. I used to have so much control, and most people complain about the loss of it and yeah it is driving me nuts!! I can’t help but feel if I am to be able to cope in this world I’ve to let go of my dreams and what I wish to do with my time. I’m not willing to let go of these ideas and ideals in my mind, they are the only things that keep me going and that I really have everything else and one can just leave walk off but these can’t because they are mind the only things I can have that people and man kind can’t touch and damage.

Wrote this a couple of days ago….

“I have done this journey so many times now I can’t count. Why I’m so nervous and paranoid about something going wrong I’m not sure. It all seems to simple and working to well. Its something I have planned and wanted to do and for it to go well and as planned is unknown to me. On the train writing this, feels weird , like I should be writing an article or something, which I’m not but it would be cool if I was.

I thought of a great idea for a book when I was waiting at the train station. Although can’t remember it well now, will have to write it down when I get the chance. The usual Annan folk at the station, make me laugh all saying hello to each other and smiling and waving, such good actors. One woman made a right arse of herself. She was sitting in one of those…. Erm, what you call them.. shelter things you get at train stations, outside, they echo everything can’t have a conversation inside them without everyone overhearing. Yeah well she was sitting in that with a few other people and her mobile phone went off, as if that wasn’t bad enough, her ring tone was hilarious and embarrassing. Classic! She was so panicked, couldn’t find it in her bag, bit of paper and contents from her bag falling everywhere. She eventually found it follow with a huge sigh of relief and quick look around making sure she disturb to many people, but she did. AS soon as she answered it her back was up straight and tried to put herself back together again, regain some dignity, like the contents of her bag on the floor. I just giggled and shared a understanding with the man inside the shelter trying very hard to laugh to. People. “

OK so its Sunday, hate Sundays. Sorry hate is a strong word, but i feel strongly about the subject. What have i don't today... got up, lay in bed, got a text from Jonathan. short conversation with him. Lay for another ten minutes. Tired to remember the conversation i had with Jonathan. Decided it was time for tea and jam :D awesome!! Sat in the kitchen stared out the window. Had a wonderful moment of realizing i had been there for about 15 Min's and not a single thought had gone through my mind. Tired to communicate with aunt, fail obviously a sign and indication that i needed more tea to wake up. Went up to bedroom, with the intention of getting dressed. Didn't happen i finished my book, stray by someone. Hour after going into my room i got dressed. Went online for about a hour checking emails watching videos on your tube = basically F**k all. Watched F1, OH MY GOD. Wanted to cry, shouted at the TV, getting annoyed thinking about it, moving on. I then watched one of my favourite films forgetting Sarah Marshall, awesome quote " You sounds like your from London!" better coming from Charlotte's mouth. Then i watched Malcolm in the middle, got pissed off TV. Then came up to room found a new book to read, chatted to Elmo, awesome blogger check out his blog highly entertaining. and now here i am lying on my bed, house empty thinking about making more tea.

sooo, anyhooo...

Being back in Rhu is weird, kind of reminds me of being here for the first time but also knowing i have been here for over a year now, hmm its difficult to explain. Not much else to say really today has been very quiet. Everyone just doing their own thing, preparing or trying to forget about the week ahead. I don't know how i feel about the week ahead, still confused and although I'm feeling more emotion, i don't understand it or truly feel it, somewhere deep inside my it moves, i assume if it comes to the surface i will know what it all means but i question it.

Still can't find my ipod and its driving me mad!! :(

Went back to hillhead yesterday, i took jonathan, not sure if should of done that. The place reminds me of so much and its most deffinetly not good for me to be visiting the past. People are living in it now, can you blieve it! In my room where i should be. Where all the memories in my head still live every day and instead of them strangers are wondering around in their place. Argh. Mind you if i had the choice i'm not sure i would go back there.. fuck that i so would!!

I'm probably going to shut up, i really have nothing to say. With so much going on in my head and so much that should be going on, i have nothing to say, stupid is it not?

comfortably Numb

A month ago today i had just started my exams, English was over with and i had just finished business. It felt good to get them started and i was nearly half way through with two of the most important exams over and done with. Now when i think back to those days i feel happy and almost manage a smile. Although it was painful and mind numbing, i had something to concentrate on and focus my energy onto. I'm not saying i would want to go back to that, hell no it was awful and horrible at the time. However where mt mind is now, the issues I'm struggling with are much more difficult mentally and a whole different ball game from the exams.

As soon as the exams were over we had to put up with out of bounds, which was horrible apart from one night, where i thought for a moment i had actually had a good time and on that day i had but the other 5 days were hell on earth. Stuck with the chair! I love Scotland and the group wasn't that bad but it was far from the situation i wanted to be in or any place in the world i wanted to be or the company i desired, at this point in my life. It was soon over though, all be it not fast enough for my liking at the time. The idea of trusting 10 other people i didn't know for three days and having no was of contacting anyone outside of my clan was my worst nightmare but i still smile when i think back to the experience, because although it wasn't my favourite adventure, i would do it all again. I don't understand it either.

The day i got back from out of bounds i had to pack everything ready to move back to Annan. AGAIN. This was the day i had been longing for since Easter, so why the hell did i feel so.. fell nothing! no emotion what so ever. Surprise surprise. Now I'm here experiencing the longest month of my life. When my exams started i wanted them to be over, when they were over i wanted out of bounds to begin, once it began i wanted it to be over, then i just wanted to get to my mums and now I'm here, i just want to scream!!

I'm so confused and lost, I have hardly any money, need a job near impossible to find, My summer looks to be shit, i don't actually care. I have made plans for a camping trip and festival which i can only go on if i get a job and even if i get a job getting time off will be painful. Through all this i have to see doctors and specialists, who make me want to scream and tare my skin apart at the thought of even going near the building of which they are inside never mind actually communicating with them. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, i can feel the air blowing around me, edging me further and further over the side. My feet gripping me to the ground. I want so bad to fall, there for making it impossible to do.

I say i feel all these emotions, but i don't I'm completely numb constantly, i know i should be feeling these things, but I'm not so to stop myself losing everything around me i pretend to feel how i should, constantly putting on this act for myself and everyone else. Getting up, making the first cup of tea for the day, meeting up with friends, looking for jobs, visiting family members. When all i really want to do and could easily do is just sit and stare motionless at a brick wall, thinking and feeling nothing about the selfishness of my actions.

I've been trying since i got here on Saturday, to write something, anything, mum says its healthy and i believe it is, i know it effects me somewhere deep inside, i can only feel it ever so slightly though, but it is reassuring. Nothing satisfies, i read books, and listen to music they don't even give me that kick of life that they used to, i try new things, it might make me feel calmer or even a little warm glow flicker inside me, but only for a few moments. Nothing lasts. One person really makes me come to life, even though they are miles away i feel lighter and free when i communicate with them, i feel i can actually physically and mentally wake up and breath some real air for a moment and not have to pretend. Its brilliant.

I'm 17 years old, finished school, feel like I'm losing my mind and people say I'm experiencing a mental break down. Funny isn't it, i wouldn't know i don't feel anything anymore. I'm so lost and confused, well i imagine i must be. I get up every morning, have an apple, they say your meant to eat healthy i thought i might as well try, don't need to carry anymore quilt around with me, i take the usual pain killers for the constant headache, rub on the bio oil to cover the scars, not for my sake but the sake of others. Venture down stairs to make a cub of tea, communicating with Aunt and Nan they are always so happy in the morning its pleasant to wake up to.

I should be happy here, i think somewhere inside this is good for me, I have my freedom here and therefore i should be happy and content right? peace of mind. Ha like that ever excised. I don't know what to do with it.

I sound like I'm complaining, and to be honest when this numbness first crept in i was unaware and unsure and disliked it. I'm starting to like it, being so fucked up in my own mind thinking what ever i want no boundaries. I'm losing it, I'm falling i can feel it but at the same time I'm growing and almost becoming a better person for it all. I don't have to deal with emotions, so i can do and act simply how I'm naturally meant to be as a person. I'm giving myself my own freedom and that makes me smile, deep inside somewhere, almost enough to effect the outside.