I'm quite fed up at the moment and almost lost, i have a very strange sensation going on, I keep getting the shivers, I'm waiting for john to come over, we are suppose to be going out to the local pub for a few drinks then just back to his to listen to music and chill. For some reason going out to the pubs makes me really nervous, I have never really gone out here while being eighteen and its all just making me really nervous for no reason as if I'm not suppose to be there. I have as much right as anyone to be there, its a friday night and I'm eighteen! I feel almost that because i don't see myself or think i look eighteen i therefore think that no one else will think i am or believe me when i show my id or anything. They have before and i have no bloody reason to be worrying!! Its so annoying. 

I'm also worried john wont show up, he is already about twenty minutes late, not that i mind he is always late. lol 

Anyway I'm going to go sit downstairs and relax a bit more hopefully. 

xxx

The undead.

I had no sleep last night, seriously! I just lay there, eventually i gave up and decided to read, i finished the book and then i was totally stuck, eventually i fought it and fell asleep at four needing to be up at seven which sucked. Although while i was laying i managed to think about quite a few things. 

Recently i have finished reading this book called Kiss of life By Daniel Waters, It is the sequel to Generation Dead. These books are both brilliant, I recommend them to anyone. Becca you might like them. I don't know if any of my readers have read them. Basically People who die between the age of 14 to 18 years old come back from the dead. Refereed to as the undead, Differently Biotic and some other things. It goes through how it is for them in returning to life and the effects it has on the local community and society. 

I could relate to this because In my mind i feel like they do, I find simple tasks difficult to do, I feel as though my movements are slow and nothing compared to the pace and movement of the world around me. I'm not accepted in the local community, I feel numb most of the time although sometimes i do have moments of what i suppose is happiness but I'm not sure if they are just figments of my imagination or me just creating it in my head because i want so badly for things to be the way they used to be. I'm constantly searching for a reason or understanding of why i feel the way i do or reasons for me still being here. After my suicide attempt nothing has been the same again, not that i could ever of imagined it to be but Once you hit rock bottom things are meant to improve and nothing can be as bad as when you were down, right?

I feel as if I'm clinging onto every last bit of life in me, every little tiny bit of hope i have and what scares me the most is that slowly its all degrading and I'm losing each piece of string and eventually what will i be left with? 

Last night i pictured myself looking at a deep thick dark forest and i thought thats everything i have fought through the past six or seven years. Then i turn around and before me is a sharp edge to a cliff of which i can see the bottom. I have to choices, i either, jump putting everything i have learnt to waste or i difficultly and slowly make my way across the weak, pathetic bridge of which i also have a chance of falling off at any point, losing my grip again. Slipping just the once, one mistake and thats me falling. 

The true hear is not in falling; 

"Fallings not the problem is when i hit the ground it causes all the grief,

If i had no where to land i wouldn't be scared at all"

Falling is so much easier than crossing that bridge but i can't jump. Not anymore the moment has passed. I have made the first few steps. And guess what its Hell, I have a fear of heights and every step i take I'm not sure if it's my last or my first on the way to the place I'm suppose to be. 

I don't really know what to write in this one. 

I think i might put in a poem i wrote later on, not sure yet. I'm so fed up with life. Slowly moving along, feeling nothing, just stuck in a void. I have got to find something, things can only get better right?

Damn a duck!!

Bloody Hell!!!

I'm so bored out of my mind, fed up, pissed off, sad, frustrated unsatisfied with life!!

I have been looking for jobs and applied everywhere ! In this stupid dead end town and all the crap towns around us. There is nothing! I'm seriously considering just packing up and either just moving to Glasgow until I start college down here or just getting on a train to a random place. I know nether of those two options would help because of the recent state of affairs in this country but my god!

I look at the people. buildings and local newspapers and everything and it's horrible, Everyone so surrounded in this little town in their own little world, i sometimes wonder if people in the Uk are aware of our existence, I go into shock when i here about anyone without this area mentioning or referring to us. Today in the local i read about local army bases having more guy sent off to war, this area was chosen for them to go, and yes said i know or good i don't know what ever your views are but thats not the point, i was shocked that someone would actually pick people or think of this area. 

Nothing happens here, i remember the time i went to school here saying one day i will be out of here and i got out, twice but ended back here AGAIN! I have to find something!! I seriously think I'm losing it. Well i have technically already lost it but ARGH! I feel trapped.

All my time consists of, going to local job centre looking at jobs i have already applied for, going to our local cafe, going to the cinema, chilling in my room with john, which i don't mind really, or chilling his room, playing the sims, I love spending time with John, or at my mums but i need something in between, something new and challenging to appreciate these places and people more.