I guess i should have seen it coming, I've been moaning for change for months and now I've got i don't know how to deal with it. It almost feels as if i have had my heart broken, i can't eat, sleep, it consumes me, why would this happen, whats brought it on?
I don't understand the risks they're taking, the only way i could possibly understand it was if they were one hundred percent certain about it. It's such a big risk i emotionally don't know how to comprehend it which makes it even more of a shock. I was angry, confused and really upset when i found out. For years, a huge majority of my life i have been trying my hardest to ignore what could have been, things i should have had, stopped myself from wondering why others can experience it but i can't. I just accepted it, and came to the conclusion as quickly as i could that it was just the way my life was suppose to be and learned to live with it. Since then the world has become somewhere i don't understand the slightest, i have lost trust in most things, nothing simple anymore in fact when i look back to my past i don't see anything clearly everything is a big mess of colours and so many memories its over whelming. I don't see one happy moment of my life, or a really fun, boring, sad, exciting or scary moment i see many different moments of emotions some have all the emotions at the same time and some have emotions i don't even have words for.
All i can say on the subject now is i hope it's all worth it because if this doesn't work and i have been opened to this threat for no reason i don't know how i would deal with that. As i said almost nine years of my life i have spend avoiding this, protecting myself and others from it, now to have it ripped open and let out into the day light for everyone to see was almost to much to begin with but if it was all for nothing but to now live with these once buried emotions now very much alive in me every minute of every day as well as everything else. I think i might just burst.
I don't understand the risks they're taking, the only way i could possibly understand it was if they were one hundred percent certain about it. It's such a big risk i emotionally don't know how to comprehend it which makes it even more of a shock. I was angry, confused and really upset when i found out. For years, a huge majority of my life i have been trying my hardest to ignore what could have been, things i should have had, stopped myself from wondering why others can experience it but i can't. I just accepted it, and came to the conclusion as quickly as i could that it was just the way my life was suppose to be and learned to live with it. Since then the world has become somewhere i don't understand the slightest, i have lost trust in most things, nothing simple anymore in fact when i look back to my past i don't see anything clearly everything is a big mess of colours and so many memories its over whelming. I don't see one happy moment of my life, or a really fun, boring, sad, exciting or scary moment i see many different moments of emotions some have all the emotions at the same time and some have emotions i don't even have words for.
All i can say on the subject now is i hope it's all worth it because if this doesn't work and i have been opened to this threat for no reason i don't know how i would deal with that. As i said almost nine years of my life i have spend avoiding this, protecting myself and others from it, now to have it ripped open and let out into the day light for everyone to see was almost to much to begin with but if it was all for nothing but to now live with these once buried emotions now very much alive in me every minute of every day as well as everything else. I think i might just burst.
