Are you truely happy?

I have asked a few this question lately, i ask myself very rarely, the answer can at times be to much to bare. I don't know about anyone else but i don't know if i ever will be happy. I always believed one day i would be in my dream place in my head i have spent years working on that once i got there everything would be fine. I know this place will never exist, only in my mind but this doesn't mean i have given up on hope or dreams. It's just that i know that this is such a great place that only my imagination could of created. What i know is true is that one day i know i will experience the bliss happiness i feel in my dreams.

It true that everyone always wants something else as soon as they get what they want theres something new to long for dont want any material possessions at the moment apart from a nirvana t shirt and new trainers. Even if i had them it wouldnt make me truely happy i dont know what would make me truely happy apart from getting away from everyone i know with one person, i do know, the only one i would actually enjoy the company of. Escaping my family would be such a cool oppertunity i could just be me and not parts of all of them put into a person. Although living where i do now, gives me this oppertunity, although they are family, there are close enough to have that nice pleasant family happiness with but not to close to drive me up the wall! With living here there is a certain respect and understanding and space, i wouldn't be able to experience with my closer family.

I dont even know what i'm writing anymore this post had so much potential but its gone to pot now. Awesome song, its called the pot by Tool. Brilliant band.

So another relationship has ended and the funny thing is, it was a great relationship yeah he was funny, really good looking, deep, kind, he listened, would do anything for me, had a great job rode a motorcycle, had his own place really nice friends. I even cared about him loads felt a connection like something strong was there with potential. why did i end it you ask?

i have no f**king idea....

da da da dum

Today is a very good day. The week from hell is over, I have no homework, I can sit relax with my music books and irn bru knowing i will see John tomorrow night.

Some pervy guy looked at me today and grinned in a pervy way at my legs while licking him lips and groaning it was awful.

Thursday

"You were unusual as a child lets put it that way, you had your own little things going on in your head that no one could ever understand. I remember when we walked along the beach and any time you saw a boat laying upside down you would get really upset. No one knew why." Said my mum on the way to Mac Donald's where we were about to encounter so many flies you wondered if the dead body they were making our food from was in the back.

"you never spoke to anyone apart from me, you just watched, come out with things that people didn't expect or understand" she continued, at this point i was having to my flash backs of memories it was unbelieveable i still can't make sense of many of them. flying at me and hitting me like i was standing in front of someone with a bucket of tennis balls and a racket.

I miss my childhood a lot, wish i had never spoken stayed quiet and like that for ever, innocent deep in thought trying to understand the unknown world around me. Wish it had stayed unknown, everything was taken from me without my permission or me having anyting to do with the process like most children. At the age of ten i had to grow up look after my sister and mum, i had my childhood taken from me, my innocence, dreams and the basic structure of my life.

Now i am such a better person for it though, i have lost so much learned you can't trust anyone, i know most things women at the age of 30 never get to grips with. I don't rely on anyone else I'm in dependant and happy with who i am. I know i come across as angry a lot at the moment because i am but I'm managing to control it again.

I have always been quiet my mother says everyone noticed it i opened up to my grandad but once he died that was it back into the silence again,annoyed my dad a lot mum loved it confused the other mums and said things they never expected purely honest.

I have all these memories i need to made sense of now. Prelims next week i wont do well in. Who care life will turn out well :D I'm going to study the best i can, not good enough you deal with it.

xx
*Darko*

all i find

Just one week until my first prelim, and the situation is that i have done next to no revision, I have everything planned out for what i should be doing and i know deep down that after tonight i will do it all but tonight is not my night. I am just sitting here swimming in my own thoughts and feelings I'm not sad or happy. I know that later on i will get so sick of justifying my lack of work that i will actually complete my homework for tomorrow but not actually do any revision in fact no i will i Will revise English by reading the book again, which i actually enjoy alot. Really it doesn't count because normally revision is something your not meant to enjoy.

Just need to get these three prelims out of the way then i can relax for a few days and then get ready for the others that aren't for another two weeks. I hate prelims people take them so seriously if i fail these i know everyone will just shout at me and give me the "looks" like need that.

Charlotte's 18Th this weekend and i can't wait! Its going to be a great night for her just wish i could get her a better present and a better birthday event like a party or something but i think the film is all she cares about.

I really should be a bit more pleasant towards people, god only knows what people think of me, would be interesting to know probably really funny. I guess no one ever knows what people truly think of them. I know who i want to be and I'm happy with my self i just don't care and its great!

anyway there was a purpose to this post.....

don't remember it oh well,

speak later x
*Darko*

Today was an awesome day, Went to see twilight which is a very good movie. I'm going to read the books now, feel bad that i didn't before but i was busy, i know no excuse but hey you try being me not easy! Anyway spent time with Charlotte and Lucy who i don't know very well and my opinion of her is unclear. Charlotte also got to meet my mum, i really miss her but I'm glad two of the most important people in my life got to meet.

There is a lot of tension now at times when we got out as a group, Charlotte, Lara and Miriam are always there and the two German girls don't get on very well and when Charlotte and Miriam didn't get on. I like having friends to go out with, without them think i would go mad! Life here is so difficult sometimes and not because of the Adults or how difficult it is to know if your happy or sad but just how many things there are going on around, that not everyone else can see but here I feel to free and creative and strong at times and yet i can also feel so trapped and suffocated at the same point.

I know I'm going to uni next year and studying history, well that's the plan and been secured but what do i want to do as a career when I'm older whats my plans yeah to travel and experience everything i can, i have so many dreams will i have the guts to carry out any of them?
I shouldn't be worrying about this now but i am!
Its not good or healthy i know.

There is no hello this time, no its 2009 time for change i think. New years resolution don't have on never will, if i did i wouldn't speak it in words, as soon as you do that its never going to happen. I'm going to have a change though in my life i think this year is going to be much more positive than last. which was full of letting myself down, doing things i promised myself if never would do and hurting so many people. That's it though. Its out my system, well lets hope so this year is different. I'm not making radical changes or anything like that, yes a whole new me! Ha never going to happen. One thing i do want to deal with and get rid of is this constant anger i have for everything that's happened to me, i don't want to go through life believing it owes me, it never does or will. I am going to think about things more, but not analyse myself to much or be to hard on myself if it happens it happens no point dwelling on it won't change anything. I want to learn and experience new things but not in a accademic way, want to learn more about my interests and has my passions back again.

This first week of school has been horrible, so much hard work i only got like 12 hours sleep. Its over now though thank god, i can now relax and begin handing things in on time again instead of having to explain to teachers why so much is late. Now i can move forward and be more organised and have more time to myself again, poor bass has been neglected. ALthough living in the envrionment i'm in at the moment does have a few emoitional challanges, like i often wonder if this is what it would be like if my parents hadn't split. Sometimes i feel like a outsider looking in, but most of the time i do feel like part of it all and everyones so supportive and good fun at times it makes me want to cry because i have no other way of expressing my appreciation for what they have given me. I often get awkward wanting to say something but feeling it would be hugely inappropiate and not apprecaited something that doesn't need to be spoken about or said, its already known.

5th Januray

Hi

January 5Th, Half ten in the morning, a Saturday. I was ten and wanted t grow up so much be a teenager, independent, i would lie in bed until ten so i could have a lie in just like teenagers did, i looked forward to writing essays like teenagers did, i wanted to hang out and listening to music like teenagers did. I was young innocent and very quiet and perceptive of the world around me.
I walked down stairs ready to brag about my long lie in although all i had done was lie in bed since 9 o'clock. Mum was on the phone i could see her through the glass door of the lounge, her long nightie and woolly cardigan. I could hear the anger in her voice but it was different from usual, more disappointment and sadness almost as if she was just giving up or like she had just been given some horrible news.
I guess she had, it was the moment Mum knew she had to leave my Dad, he wanted her too and no matter how hard she thought anymore he wouldn't change his mind he wanted this and he got it all right, be careful what you wish for i guess.

Before this the worst day of my life was when grandad died, Although since then he has always been with me in my mind, i make decisions and he has his input i have photos and things from the past that are his, but i wont ever have him back, I always wonder how things would be if he was still alive.

You would expect January the 5Th to be the worst day of my life. Due to it i have so many mental issues the doctors don't know where to start if i ever let them which i never will, I am so angry all the time it becomes over whelming, I can't let anyone in, all i want to do is cause myself as much pain as possible physically.
I would never change anything that's happened to me, in the past 6 years i have been through so much shit i promised myself one day i would write a book about it, I was trying to put it all down on here but i just can't bring myself to do it.

Why am i even doing this..........

*sighs*

Lost once again. Another 5Th of January passes by, one more piece of shit to deal with.

Some thought it was a Joke.

Hitlers Birthday the Jocks got it in the face.
The line keeping those 13 alive was crossed.
The lack of emotion and feeling the numbness of protection,
driving them from average to extremists.

Like a stone rolling,
down a hill.
Who will it hit?

Like a stone,
becoming a rock.
who be punished?

Like a stone,
so small, so simple.
Who can stop it?

The responsibility we have for our race, our generation.
If only those who create,
would open to their responsibility inside the wardrobe.
Traditions have been thought of and morals forgotten.

Nothing stopping them whats god got to with it?
Only thing keeping them alive is the conscience of others according to the Killers.
Is that what it honestly comes down to, what a sadness.

Like a stone,
It rolls,
It changes.

Like a stone,
It rolls,
creates a path.

Like a stone,
it rolls,
It hurts.

Who do we blame,
For these horrible acts commit ed by the dead?
The hills.

*Hez*

Love this song and video, could watch and listening to this band all night.






I miss days like this, well all apart from the whole leaving

The after party ....

Hello all,

I probably shouldn't be writing a post the mood I'm in at the moment. Its not a bad or sad or happy mood, i feel worried. There's nothing normal to be worried about such as a test or that I'm in trouble for something. I just feel scared because now i don't know where I'm going or whats next. I will explain.

On Sunday i will be heading back home to Annan and staying there for most of the summer and i know that's a certain and what will happen after that will probably be really fun and a completely different world to what I'm in at the moment and maybe things will of changed a lot at home with also worries and scares me.

Phil, Tom and Rury just spent the day hanging out at mine they have all just gone home for their dinners. I have that empty, what now, sort of feeling and i hate it drives me mad. I don't know whats going to happen for the rest of the week and its starting to make me feel uncomfortable and sort of lost and constantly on edge i can't relax or plan to do anything for myself.

Now that i have nothing to look forward to and focus my energy and thoughts on. I will start thinking and dealing with the important shit in my head that i really want to ignore because if i open up that can of worms it will be difficult to close and make life so much more painful and i really can be arsed cause i just got it closed.

I hate being on my own i like to constantly have people around me and i think its what I'm finding hard about living here. Some days lots of things will be happening but others i can be so quiet and still. I miss home i don't miss the place i miss the company. I hate being left to my thoughts for company i need something to think about and plan for another object to climb.

Anyway i best be off
bye bye x
*Hez*

I did It !! I did It !!! yay

hello all,

Second last week at school and tomorrows friday whoohoo! I love fridays they are my favourites days of the week lol, Then comes the weekend which i don't think will be great cause i really have nothing to do :( but I'm sure going along with uncle Graeme and auntie Moira to this sailing thing should be fun .....

I miss have friends i could just call up and go out with for hours to the cinema or just sit and chill to music to and just sit about and be random with. I talk to people at school and everything and they are really cool people that i would happily chill with but i think I'm becoming a tag along and they all have their own plans and parties to go to, while i spend my Saturday nights doing maths ¬¬
Oh god is it really that bad!! lol

Last weekend was great, Saturday i worked on uncle Graemes motorbikes which was soo assume :) and then on sunday uncle Graeme, Katherine and I climbed to the top of Ben Lomond.
It was amazing!

We could see for miles and I couldn't believe i did it i was so knackered and you really have to have a head for heights cause it gets scary lol, I would do it all over again though even if its very pain full the the week after lol. Its one of the Munro's and one the hardest to do. I am now on a mission to do all 280 of them which includes Ben Nevis but i think i will leave that till last :P

Speak Later
xxx
*Hez*

FREEDOM

Hello all,
Today is a very good day i now have nothing to do with the shit whole of Annan Academy yay!! *Dances* I move up with my Uncle Graeme and Aunty Moira a week on Saturday which is very exciting and also quite nerve racking. I will miss Richard so much but i think i will get use to it eventually. The next two weeks are going to be quite peace full well should be just got to pack and do some work for the new school which is mainly just reading so nothing strenuous. Mums boyfriends had a bit of a nervous break down so things at home are cheery as always. I'm just greatful for the sun shine the weathers been great for the past week or so without it this place can be unbearable, the people are boring and don't like me and place is grey and depressing. Mind you i think the people are worse in the sun drinking driving around throwing water balloons out their windows to annoy you so much that you take their registration number and take time out of your Sunday to go to the police station where you spend and hour and half giving statements and questioning why you are there in the first place letting these arseholes ruin your sunny Sunday when you always swore you would never let them. That another quick little update hopefully i will be getting a camera soon so you will have the joy of pictures to look at to make this experience all more exciting and fun for yourself but then again it might just make it more pointless and irritate you even more, than making your way though my spelling mistake and bad grammar lol speak again soon *Hez*

My World

Forgotten like this swing is how i feel right now. I have been off school for about 5 or 4 weeks now and I just want to get back to normal. Its nice being at home and doing school work here but once you have done your work theres nothing else to do, yeah i could watch t.v or read or do some more work but i have done all that so much that i need a break from it all, these things are no longer lucturies they are like chores. I haven't seen any of my friends from school for weeks we have only spoken a few words over MSN and i really miss them all. I know they are busy with school work i wish i was to lol. I just sit and watch everyone move around me living their lives while i just sit at my arm chair in a daze.

I have stopped taking my medication and i don't know if its because they make me feel like shit and make the whole situation worse or that being in pain would actually be something to do. Another problem with having all this time to yourself is you start to think about things to much you start to Analyze the smallest little thing like, if someone is annoyed at you when they are perfectly fine or that they are looking at you funny when they're not. i have started to create little voices in my head now as well they drive me crazy. When they get started they don't shut up! Its worse when they start to argue with each other and my voice has become this little small squeeky thing in my head that you can barely hear.

Katrina doesn't help either or my Dad they just make me angry and then the anger doesn't go anywhere so I'm stuck in the chair festering my anger growing. I don't want to be anywhere near my Dad due to fear of what i might do when i see him. Katrina comes into a room and me and Bonnie walk out soon fallowed by Mum and John.

Mum does her best, we got to the shops together and shes always checking up on me and asking if theres anything she can do, if there was i would of done it by now. Richard helps alot to just when he calls its like i come out of my little forgotten slow dead world and communicate with the world for a minute but soon to be placed back in it again. When people come round to the house like Nan or aunty Paula I'm more greatful to see them than Mum is , its someone new, different and normally has something interesting or some gossip to share and again for a little moment i come out of my world and into life again but soon placed back on the shelf.

*Hez*

Ramble On

Hello all,

Whats going on with me at the moment well lets see...

Got the internet back today after 6 or 7 months without it and it feels sooo good to have it back. lol sad really.
Although in these past few months i have learned alot about myself and i have also been able to appreciate things more like long walks, books, music, friends, family, writing, drawing and basically the power of my imagination lol.

I have grown up allot as well but still not managed to get rid of my addiction to Irn Bru. I've started eating better and found a healthy hobby, Swimming which i much fun!

I have made myself a promise to not stop appreciating these things and taking them for granted as much now that the Internets back on.

Prelims are over and i have failed most which is shit but what can you do i tried hard and considering I'm drugged up most of the times due to the heavy pain killers for my hip which make you moody, depressed, tired and constipated LOVELY!! lol NOT!

I hope that with the Internet back i can get back in touch with all the people i lost contact with mainly friends from Glasgow who i miss lots, I'm already talking with Else again which I'm really pleased with because i really started to miss her lol.

Anyway best go update later xx
*Hez*

Long time no speak!

Hello all,

Sadly there will be no photo with this post as i am in School and they have put a block on everything! I count myself lucky to be on this site with out getting "reported". I hate school.

I'm now living at my mums i moved a few months ago but we've had problems with the Internet so i wasn't able to get online to update manic thoughts. Things aren't so great at the moment Schools got worse spending most lunch times in the library ¬¬. I'm having a party on Saturday for my 16th Birthday, I'm looking forward to it but I'm also very worried that it will all go wrong and everyone will be the most bored they have been all week. As my sisters postcard says " well tonight was a total waste of makeup".

I'm missing Dad a lot... i know i know its stupid after all the things i used to think about him but those are all the things i miss about him, but what i miss the most was he was someone i could sit and discuss music with was around at the time when they weren't all dead and you could go and see them live, so he could tell me all about it. Plus he could keep Katrina under control which no one else seems to be able to do.

Now we get onto the topic of Katrina and what a pain in the arse she is, Seriously!! She has got worse in the past week.

aww i got to go
Bye
Hez

Pointless

Hello all,

I have three minutes ....

Lots to right, but i couldn't in three minutes...

So this post is completely pointless...

*hez*

HAHA your DEAD!!!!!

Hello all,

Once again i am sitting in my prison and listening to the lovely Regina Spektor - hotel song- great song can't stop listening to it, although i have put a ban on how much i can listen to it so i don't get bored or fed up of it, don't like it when songs lose their greatness due to being over played.

This house is driving me mad, i don't understand why or what it is about the house or flat even. It makes me feel trapped, i can't express myself the way i can when at our old flat in Hillhead street. I can feel all hope, enthusiasm and all creative energy just flowing away and out the window. The only thing getting my though the day is drinking coffee or irn bru, killing flies or ants and sleeping.

I loved my room in Hillhead street the atmosphere was the best i have ever lived in i actually felt at home there like when i walked though the front doors i knew i was were i belonged and i could be me and think freely but thats all changed now. Another weekend approaching that i know will be spent in my room wishing i was with one person while drinking irn bru or coffee looking for some new music to listen to.

I really want to have fun with friends and dance about like a prat but i can't because of exams ¬¬ bloody things hate them!!!

I'm bored and can't be arsed trying to think of other things to write lol

xxx

*Hez*

To my Dad lol

The Dresden Dolls, Good day !

so you don't want to hear about my good song?
you don't want to hear about how i am getting on

with all the things that i can get done the sun is in the sky

and i am by my lonesome so you don't want to hear about my good day?

you have better things to do than to hear me say

god its been a lovely day! every thing's been going my way

i took out the trash today and I'm on fire...

so you don't want to hear about my good friends?

you don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence

success is in the eye of the beholder

and its looking even better over your cold shoulder

'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning

but Jesus think about the bridges you are burning

and I'm betting

that even though you knew it from the start

you'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart

so go ahead and talk about your bad day...
i want all the details of the pain and misery

that you are inflicting on the others

i consider them my sisters and i want their numbers

god its been a lovely day! every thing's been going my way

i took up croquet today and I'm on fire ....

i picked up the pieces of my broken ego

i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go

but I'd love to have you up to see the place

I'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

hey! its been a lovely day! every thing's been going my way

i had so much fun today and I'm on fire

god it's been a lovely day every thing's been going my way

ever since you went away hey I'm on fire.....

I'm on fire...

I'm on fire...

I'm on fire...
I'm on...

I'm on fire...

I'm on fire...

I'm on fire...

I'm on...

so you don't want to hear about my good day?

(now the war is over, Mussolini's dead

he wants to go to heaven with a crown upon his head

the lord says no, he´s got to stay below

all dressed up, and nowhere to go)

*Hez*

Garden

hello all,

I actually wrote this while locked outside in that garden.. again! Listening to annoying small children running around with some sad older children who have no lives but like the power they gain from being older and stronger.

Its now 5 past 5 only another hour to wait until someone saves me from this cold lonely place, an hour has passed already.

Argh at the moment i really should be learning my french speaking test i have for tomorrow morning ¬¬, i keep lying to myself, " I can't do it my hands are to cold" or " i will do it later got hours until i have to go to bed" :P all lies!!!! Makes me feel a bit crap actually .. lying like that. I really need to start being honest with myself yeah i'll start that when i start my diet ¬¬.

Children really are evil little twats, aww GOD! Now one of them is crying what an awful noise!! It's soo annoying.... "SHUT UP trying to do an essay here if you don't mind!" tehe!! They don't know i am lazy and yet another lie:P

While trying to get in though the tiny kitchen window * you can guess how that went* i noticed we have new plates and things .. its weird they are all.. like the ones the posh family's should have, like the organised... posh families!! why do we have them!!!!! Personally i like the old ones the fact that they could explode at any minute added to the excitement and entertainment of your meal! lol

Now the bugs *new name for the children* have tied the weakest member of their group to a pole and are now bombarding them with balls and other instruments of pain to prove more entertainment... i hope they don't see me.. i could be next *hides*.

I hope to try and write i book in the summer * waits for the roar of laughter* yes me write a book, i have many idea written down somewhere although if they are any good or not i don't know but will find out soon enough. hahahaha!!! children have to go in for their dinner peace and quiet at last.

* 5 minutes later *

Argh its to quiet were are the bugs it doesn't tale them that bloody long to eat does it!!! I wish they would come out and destroy each other and the things around them again liven things up a bit around here..... *sighs*.

Oh there's also new garden chairs ... oh my god .. i think.. i think... oh my god they do.
They match the new plates.... SAD!!!!

I am going to assume Yvonne hasn't been taking her usual dose of medication. This is normally the consequence of lack of Desperate house wife's, shopping mainly for shoes or male attention.

Aww Christ one of the bug's crying again... oh somethings happened the owners are appearing ....

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

One of the fathers of the bugs just came flying out of his house and tripped over something and flew across his garden LOL!!! Oh god i need to stop laughing so loudly lol :P Even his child who was screaming their eyes out a minute ago is laughing lol aww god that was funny. Need to get locked out here more often its funnier then i ever expected. lol

well that's all for now.

later

xxxx

*hez*