I'm quite fed up at the moment and almost lost, i have a very strange sensation going on, I keep getting the shivers, I'm waiting for john to come over, we are suppose to be going out to the local pub for a few drinks then just back to his to listen to music and chill. For some reason going out to the pubs makes me really nervous, I have never really gone out here while being eighteen and its all just making me really nervous for no reason as if I'm not suppose to be there. I have as much right as anyone to be there, its a friday night and I'm eighteen! I feel almost that because i don't see myself or think i look eighteen i therefore think that no one else will think i am or believe me when i show my id or anything. They have before and i have no bloody reason to be worrying!! Its so annoying. 

I'm also worried john wont show up, he is already about twenty minutes late, not that i mind he is always late. lol 

Anyway I'm going to go sit downstairs and relax a bit more hopefully. 

xxx

The undead.

I had no sleep last night, seriously! I just lay there, eventually i gave up and decided to read, i finished the book and then i was totally stuck, eventually i fought it and fell asleep at four needing to be up at seven which sucked. Although while i was laying i managed to think about quite a few things. 

Recently i have finished reading this book called Kiss of life By Daniel Waters, It is the sequel to Generation Dead. These books are both brilliant, I recommend them to anyone. Becca you might like them. I don't know if any of my readers have read them. Basically People who die between the age of 14 to 18 years old come back from the dead. Refereed to as the undead, Differently Biotic and some other things. It goes through how it is for them in returning to life and the effects it has on the local community and society. 

I could relate to this because In my mind i feel like they do, I find simple tasks difficult to do, I feel as though my movements are slow and nothing compared to the pace and movement of the world around me. I'm not accepted in the local community, I feel numb most of the time although sometimes i do have moments of what i suppose is happiness but I'm not sure if they are just figments of my imagination or me just creating it in my head because i want so badly for things to be the way they used to be. I'm constantly searching for a reason or understanding of why i feel the way i do or reasons for me still being here. After my suicide attempt nothing has been the same again, not that i could ever of imagined it to be but Once you hit rock bottom things are meant to improve and nothing can be as bad as when you were down, right?

I feel as if I'm clinging onto every last bit of life in me, every little tiny bit of hope i have and what scares me the most is that slowly its all degrading and I'm losing each piece of string and eventually what will i be left with? 

Last night i pictured myself looking at a deep thick dark forest and i thought thats everything i have fought through the past six or seven years. Then i turn around and before me is a sharp edge to a cliff of which i can see the bottom. I have to choices, i either, jump putting everything i have learnt to waste or i difficultly and slowly make my way across the weak, pathetic bridge of which i also have a chance of falling off at any point, losing my grip again. Slipping just the once, one mistake and thats me falling. 

The true hear is not in falling; 

"Fallings not the problem is when i hit the ground it causes all the grief,

If i had no where to land i wouldn't be scared at all"

Falling is so much easier than crossing that bridge but i can't jump. Not anymore the moment has passed. I have made the first few steps. And guess what its Hell, I have a fear of heights and every step i take I'm not sure if it's my last or my first on the way to the place I'm suppose to be. 

I don't really know what to write in this one. 

I think i might put in a poem i wrote later on, not sure yet. I'm so fed up with life. Slowly moving along, feeling nothing, just stuck in a void. I have got to find something, things can only get better right?

Damn a duck!!

Bloody Hell!!!

I'm so bored out of my mind, fed up, pissed off, sad, frustrated unsatisfied with life!!

I have been looking for jobs and applied everywhere ! In this stupid dead end town and all the crap towns around us. There is nothing! I'm seriously considering just packing up and either just moving to Glasgow until I start college down here or just getting on a train to a random place. I know nether of those two options would help because of the recent state of affairs in this country but my god!

I look at the people. buildings and local newspapers and everything and it's horrible, Everyone so surrounded in this little town in their own little world, i sometimes wonder if people in the Uk are aware of our existence, I go into shock when i here about anyone without this area mentioning or referring to us. Today in the local i read about local army bases having more guy sent off to war, this area was chosen for them to go, and yes said i know or good i don't know what ever your views are but thats not the point, i was shocked that someone would actually pick people or think of this area. 

Nothing happens here, i remember the time i went to school here saying one day i will be out of here and i got out, twice but ended back here AGAIN! I have to find something!! I seriously think I'm losing it. Well i have technically already lost it but ARGH! I feel trapped.

All my time consists of, going to local job centre looking at jobs i have already applied for, going to our local cafe, going to the cinema, chilling in my room with john, which i don't mind really, or chilling his room, playing the sims, I love spending time with John, or at my mums but i need something in between, something new and challenging to appreciate these places and people more. 

where's my lighter!!

My party is tomorrow, i guess i am excited? I don't know anymore. I don't mind having loads of people over and being social and the host and everything and making sure everyone is comfortable and having a good time. What i think is bothering me is having to dress up and try look god, its just not me and i don't think i will look good, probably just uncomfortable and ridiculous.  I feel quite alone in it all, i know its for me but I'm not sure of the role i play.  The more i think about it, if i was to sneak out during the party people would be socializing and keeping themselves entertained would they really notice my absence. I'm not saying i would want everyone to constantly be talking to me and all the attention to be on me i would hate that!! I don't know what i going on about, i don't understand my reasons for feeling this way. I am getting the shivers and cold sweats thinking about it. 

I have been helping nan organize and clean the house for the past few days and i don't think its helping with the calming process I'm trying to put myself through. I am looking forward to getting this over and done with and wednesday coming so i can get me new pet bird :D and officially being eighteen. Anyway i think its time for another coffee, more suzanne vega and a another cigarette.

inspired by Becca

This post is inspired by a blog buddy of mine called Becca.  I seriously don't have to write posts anymore because most of the things i have felt, thought or experienced Becca has mentioned on her blog. I think her way of writing is brilliant, so honest open, and raw and alive!!  Just a note to say i enjoy reading her blog and i promise things will get better they have to right?

I do like face-book, (as much as you can like an social network) but it took me fifty bloody minutes to upload pictures onto it. I know this problem is most likely caused by my own internet and slow p.c. but i like my p.c. to much to dare have any fault with it.  Today was another pointless day, i just wondered around wasting time, hoping time passes more quickly so i can be eighteen sooner. Walked the dogs with mum, which was good fun but sometimes it can feel awkward but there isn't any reason why i should feel this i just do in social situations. 

Its like, at the moment I'm living with my aunt and nan, which makes me sound so uncool but they are awesome! I couldn't ask for any cooler people to live with.  Its just sometimes i worry, i could be doing more, or don't do enough, get on their nerves or in their way sometimes. I don't want them to be thinking negatively of me. Its good because i know if there is something i should be doing, or have done wrong because they normally leave me little notes. I have decided to write them a little note and put it on the kettle where i know they will get it saying, if there is anything more they want me to be doing around the house just to let me know or if there's something i should be doing that I'm not. 

Also my nan is throwing this huge party for my 18th this weekend, which makes me more nervous because i haven't had much to do with it, she has sort of organized it all herself, she loves doing this sort of thing, but i just feel i should be doing more but when i say to her is there anything you want me to do she just says she will let me know. She hasn't of yet, but I'm also going to leave her a note too saying i have the rest of the week free if there is anything she needs me to help with. 

People are actually going to be turning up to my 18th that i invited which i can't believe!! I didn't think anyone i knew would really be interested, mind you there will be free booze and it is a party so who would say no i guess lol. Which reminds me my uncle and aunt and children i think are coming which is very exciting because i haven't seen them since i moved out. When i lived with them things were weird and i think i kind of let them down, so now its a good chance to show how I'm turning my life around and hopefully make things up to them, show i do have some good about me. I feel quite guilty because they did so much for me and due to things out of my control i was a complete teenager at times and awkward to live with. I'm very grateful for everything they have done for me, and if they ever read this, i would just like to say, I'm sorry for the trouble i caused and thank you so!! much for the opportunity you provided for me and one of the best school years of my life. 

Wish i could do more for you then just say these words and i hold a promise to myself that one day i will put these words into actions. 

Anyway Johns going to be here in a minute so i guess i should probably try and make the room safe for others (unprotected and not as immune as i am) to enter it.  

The situation at the mo

This is how things are at the moment. I'm 18 years old (young some would say) this Saturday, currently unemployed, i can't drive yet, I have savings although they are beginning to run low, everyone i know either has a career, in college or university and I'm writing in a blog i suspect wont actually get me anywhere or serve any use full purpose in my life, yet i continue to have this unquestionable dedication to it. I spend most days, such as today, getting up at nine, having a shower, about 4 cups of coffee, and cigarettes before i venture out into what is the high street to carry out pointless and time consuming earns. Then returning home and finding anything to pass the time. I'm doing everything i can to find a job. 

Things seem to be getting better, but not going anywhere, or maybe they are, its just all taking place so slowly i can't actually see it. I think once this week is over things will change, funny the different a week, and age can make, opens up so many doors i don't have the key to at the moment. Some would say i should appreciate the time i have on my hands at the moment,  i believe I'm doing my best to do that, by doing all the small things i wouldn't normally have time to if i did have a job or something to occupy my time. 

I said earlier i would update the blog on some of my dairy entrees but to be honest there really isn't anything in there worth mentioning at the moment apart from what's above.

 

*waves*

Well long time to speaky! Things have been happening, but at the slow motion state of my life at the moment you wouldn't believe it. I went away on holiday to London with my Gran, which was crazy and a holiday i will never forget. Just spent the past few weeks, looking for jobs and something to keep me going for the next year until i get into college next September ¬¬ so bloody long away!!

Its my 18Th birthday in a week, my gran is throwing me a huge birthday party which is awesome, but i don't really have much of a say in it and I'm worried no one will turn up, but my uncle and aunt are coming down and might bring the children which makes it more enjoyable and something more to look forward too.

You know what there really is just so much to write about, i don't know where to start and by writing this post, and blabbing on about what very crap comes into my head i am, sadly, and pathetically trying to avoid the ciaos and natter that is running through my mind. I know that if i do start on one of my rants i may never stop and could possibly end up going down a road i don't want to go down.

So in the next few days i will fill you in with segments from my diary and until then, this little update should keep you occupied lol, how i don't have a f**king clue!!

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

My Den

shes lost control again

I want to be alone, happy with my own company. I thought i was craving someone to with, share my life with, but I'm not sure that's what I'm after.
I want to be comfortable, at peace and content just being here, on my own in my room, reading. Valuing my own company, who i am as a person. Happy with me.
How can i appreciate and like who i am though? and how can i expect anyone else too when i can't do it for myself?

Winter is coming, the nights are getting darker earlier. As usual in this town its raining, damp, cloudy, gray but not yet cold. I'm scared about the darkness ahead that comes with winter, the loneliness and sadness that comes with it. Not looking forward to whats coming, having to deal with it in my room, hiding, things are worse during the night. I'm terrified. Winter is the best time of the year for me normally. Makes me feel my strongest emotions, most connected with them.

What i write ii feel like I'm sharing it with someone as if I'm on T.v or something as if, i have an audience. But i don't its just me who reads it, just my mind who i show and discuss it with. I'm trying to imagine someone to share it with but i can't picture anyone i would want to open up to it all, but i can't picture anyone who would react or say or understand the way i do in my own mind. How could they? I can only think of one person who gets me but they aren't around sadly and I'm quite glad their not to see me in this state.

What I'm asking for, looking for i someone who is my mind, its voices, opinions, and understanding but in human form. I hope one day i will find someone who will be my audience but i doubt it al ot of the time. How could i ask that of anyone? it would be selfish of me, I just dreaming.
It would be easier for me to just accept and know myself without relying on another human, who would have their own agenda, problems and cards to being to the table. The some how links to my desire for my own death, relief from everything but I'm not completely sure how.

I think I'm losing it again. Seriously.last time i went nuts! cut off all my hair, just wasn't myself
now i think its happening again but worse. Last time i lost it mentally, but not physically, its going too, I'm not eating right, i have shivers convulsions, i pull at my hair, go cold very quickly, I'm making myself ill, i have to sit and curl up into a ball until it goes away, I'm riding waves of pain but i can' feel them anymore emotionally so now they are physically getting me.
i might go back to the hospital they can lock me up for a while.

twilight

Darko says (22:18):
well, its this book, fills me with emotions, feelings like I'm going through every single moment and second with her. I have never read anything thats, touched soo deep before. Nothing ever affected me this much. AS you know I'm a hudge unquestionably big fan of music and books. Thats because sometimes when i listen to certain songs or read certain books, my heart beats a little faster and i get
Darko says (22:19):
flutter of excitement when i read something i udnerstand or i completely know about, or have experienced and agree with. Something i have udnerstanding and apprecation for and to know someone else has felt that wrote about it in a song or bok. Makes me emotionly get butter flies and feel Alive!
this book though
its like ten times that!
Its ruling my life
all i think about
Darko says (22:20):
even when i'm not reading it I'm feeling everything going through it all in my head as if I'm the girl in the book
I have a hudge urge to cry and i feel quite sad very depressed when i think about it because, once this book is over, its the end
Dave-Ed says (22:22):
So what? Surely only the end of the written book, so continue it as yourself?
Darko says (22:23):
but then im alone again

Low

Today.. has been, crap.

I was woken from peaceful slumber, by the alarm clock i forgot i had set, a week ago at 8 am to get up for a train. Went back to bed to be woken again, realizing i had slept in and probably shuld get up because my cousin, who i was suppose to be baby sitting had arrived, nice and lively for 10 in the morning, oh joy!

He wanted to paint, then watch tv, then eat, and do everything at once, but got bored so quickly i had just sat down to start painting with him, and he had finished gone to show nan and now wanted to watch t.v. I wasn't bothered thought it was a good oppertunity to read, and maybe shut him up for a few minutes, which it did, but only for minutes. Soon enough his Father came to pick him up. I ran out the house soon after hoping to find something in town to occupy myself, soon realizing i was going to fail misserably, got some movies and food to bring back and spend the night in my room hiding and getting through this depression on my own. The best way i think.

However think i will avoid the supermarket for a few days... hope i got everything i need. The basket i picked broke while i was in the middle of the store, and then as usual i had to deal with old class mates who serve you, which is highly embarrising and awkward when, A, its your personal shopping, B, they didn't like you in schoo, and C, you still have no confidence and are almost more pathetic than when they used to take the piss out of you at school.

Bought the shittest magazine ever, don't quite know what i was thinking!

Trying to provok, some sort of emotion within myself, which today just seems like a complete failure, I woke up feeling low, sad and like I'm about to burst into tearsm which would be ok, because normally i would cry to myself or find some way to deal with it. But due to the fact i can't self harm anymore and crying well i haven't done that in months! I'm quite fucked in terms of having a good day.

Now I'm going to watch zombies eat people, walk the dog and have some left overs for dinner. Brilliant evening for miss Heather Jane walker. Perfect ¬¬

Death is easy, living it difficult. I wondn't have it any other way,

Well, This is my 52nd post.

This world is MAD!
I can't escape it, i tried.

so, all thats left is to live it.

I have found myself partly i think.

I believe i am moving forward!

Which makes a change.

I went to the dark place and was there for years, i have had enough i want to move on. I'm ready to accept who i'm becoming and where its taking me. I know now that i wont always be the same person and that makes me feel good. I know that life will change who i am at the moment. I'm gonig to experience things, moments, people and actions which therefore will change my plans, where i'm heading and my paths. I'm going along, I'm just a girl. What more can i do, Taking things slow, moving along.

I would say that I am who i am and now one can change that but its not true, everyone changes but not in the way people expect its not to with bad or good anymore i don't believe it ever was. Its about surviving. We are only human.

I'm a girl, who loves music, it fills my heart
I'm a girl, who loves to paint, it fills my mind
I'm a girl, who doesn't trust, its me surviving
I'm a girl, who isn't dying, but is living.
I'm a girl, who no one can judge, who just doesn't care.
I'm a girl, who doesn't need anyone, and will never admit if that ever changes.

I'm just a girl, who will pass you in the street,
I'm a just a girl, who would love, to love again.

Slowmo!!

OK so moving on to different chapter of my life. So it should be. However, not so. Well it doesn't feel like I am. To be honest at the moment, i can see where i want to be what i should be aiming for, its like sitting in a chair, in the middle of an empty road, early hours of the morning, suns rising and down this road, empty road, is a small quiet cafe, where i know once i reach it i can enjoy a nice cub of tea and a cake of some sort. How ever, For some unknown reason to me i feel that taking the step from the chair and the path to the cafe is much more difficult than i originally thought. What ever it is I feel like i physically and emotionally can't find the strength to get myself up and standing. Never mind actually walking along the path.

What I'm trying to say, is that i feel caught between chapters of my life, i can see where everyone thinks i'm heading, the next stage I'm suppose to me drifting into and where some may actually think i have arrived. I haven't! I don't even think I'm close, I just feel trapped in slow motion compared to everyone else.

Walking the dog at the same time gives me a almost structure to my day, its pleasant to know that at these, same times everyday i will be there with the dog no matter what. Should be getting my money soon which is good but involves learning to drive starting college filling in a lot! of Forms and all these things i just don't feel i have the confidence to deal with anymore. Cousins staying over cause she's locked out so its nice to have the company. Takes my mind off things and for the first time in a while i have actually laughed about things.

SOme day you will be loved by Death Cab for cutie.

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Life has a funny way....

OK. that post i just published was utter shit!

You know what, I'm going to write a complete frank, and honest, post and account for whats going on with me at the moment. In my mind.

I feel physically sick with this whole place, society, people this endless needless spectrum of emotion that everyone says they experience. No ones ever completely honest and open with their emotions with other people or themselves. In my mind, this brings out ideas. = These days emotions are becoming meaningless and pathetic, a fashion statement. No ones ever at ease or free to express their emotions, emotions lead onto actions and if people are being dishonest about their emotions how can they carry out, the actions they want to or do what they feel is right. They can't that doesn't matter anymore. Its politically incorrect.

Everyone has expectations of how others should act, react and be, how situations should turn out. People are under pressure to be liked, loved and appreciated, and therefore follow through with these actions and pressured desires. Thinking its what they want, what will bring them happiness, fulfillment = bullsh*t! Eventually they get lost in these emotions and believe that its not them that are causing their unhappiness but other areas and people in their lives, and blame it on the things others think cause the problems, work, partners, children, family, friends. all that jazz.

Its a fashion statement to act and feel certain ways, people are persuaded by music, magazines, the news. Family are meant to be there for you no matter what you do, they stand next to you no matter who or what you are. That's a basic rule or is suppose to be. So they are a necessary evil. They don't have a choice in the matter. Apparently. That in my mind sucks, not only do they not have to love or care about your welfare but they have to act like they do to put on a front to the outside world that the family is a strong unit. Once you turn your back on them, you should be shamed.

Friends.. So many different types. I have as few as possible and only one or two who really know me that well at all. In fact i know only one person who knows everything about me. I don't know everything about them, so therefore i feel this insecurity, constant need for reassurance that they aren't going to leave me, let me down or turn against me. Everyone else, well we all use each other, as long as its both for the same reasons its all OK, right??

Emotions, I'm trying to say, will never be shown, they will never be placed clearly to see on the table. Emotions are caused by thoughts, which are influenced by chemicals in the mind which decide your likes and dislikes, there for the music, news paper, and people you associate with. Thoughts are peoples most private possessions and there for, showing true emotions and real actions could cause a window into the thoughts and the mind and god forbid that happen!

I have been told to share my emotions with people, tell people whats going on inside my head, be honest, talk open up, let us in to help. I did, before i would always say i didn't care what people thought but it was always on my mind. Now i seriously don't and with this my actions and thoughts will follow this. I opened up let people in they did what they had to and that's me done, with it i have gained a freedom, of speech and thought more areas to explore.

What i found difficult was that because my actions became physically, dangerous to myself and others i was forced to reveal all. However no one, was willing to completely reveal all to me. None of the specialists, obviously family members wont and friends are awkward and don't know what to say at times but just smile and accept it. I can't believe that people care for me or want to help me because, I don't see how they can know what they want, I can't rely on them to know what to do, how to feel or act. I can't believe they really truly want to help me or be there for me because everyone has a secret agenda, their own personal, selfish reasons for doing things. How do i know they are doing it for me and not themselves. I don't and the truth is, i know they will never just do it for me, they might believe and argue to the death that its all for me but deep deep down its just as much for themselves as it is me. I will never believe what people say or rely on their assumed emotions and thoughts because its not truly them talking.

I believe you can only truly trust and know someones true intentions and truly believe their reasons and care for you and dedication when they are sacrificing whats most important to them and honestly using strong actions. Body language says a lot more than words every could. Actions shout and scream and communicate so much more than the English language or any other language ever could. The day i will truly trust someone enough to share and reveal all with them i the day they are willing to give up everything just to have that honest and pure human involvement with me. What you have to ask yourself is though, would you actually ask them to give up everything and put them to the test with the fear of them not doing it and would you do the same for them.

don't remember writing this post,... oh well!

I have moved back into my nans, two weeks after the incident, in many respects things are getting better. However i do get my exam results in exactly two weeks so things could get a whole lot worse. Not that i need them that much because I'm not going to university anymore. Decided to do a course at dumfries college, its closer to home and can only be for a year if i want, meaning i can always continue onto uni at some later point but at the moment everyone thinks i should be here to continue with getting the mental health care i need. My mum asked me if i feel myself again or if i still don't feel right, i answered saying i still don't feel right but then i got thinking. What am i suppose to feel to be feeling myself? I can't remember a time thinking, oh i do feel like myself today. I haven't got a clue what I'm suppose to be looking out for, in ways for me to start feeling myself. I wondered about it for a little longer and soon came to the conclusion that when i feel myself, will be the day i feel comfortable, at a calm with myself. To be honest most days are constant battles. What comes naturally to people such as, eating when your hungry, going to bed when your tired and being social towards people, is sometimes the most difficult thing in the world for me. Even knowing what I'm in a good or bad mood for, or to begin with what kind of mood I'm in and how to deal with it.

I actually managed to leave the house today with a sleveless top on aswell, which felt great! It was only a short walk out with the dog, and i didn't actually bumb into anyone at all. However it still felt good and reminded me of the confidence i used to have being about just to roam around showing so much skin. It also demonstrated for me how badly my confidence has been affected, i felt uncomfortable, exposed and like everyone was looking at me thinking "what the fuck, who does she think she is!". At one point i even thought i could see the dog thinking it, and looking at me as if to say what the hell!? I know this is upsurd but the voice in my head have liturelly taken over, so much so that they sound like me and I'm thinking them on my own accord, its no longer sounding as if its coming from a different person, only rarely does that now happen. I wonder if i will ever escape these voices. I highly doubt it now that they have become such a strong part of me, I will always be quite a negative person, just have to make sure its not all towards myself. Not saying i should be negative towards other people but if someones being a twat, its time to realise its not my fault.

So back the college course i was talking about, its training to become a mechanic, I'm surprised by how supportive and helpful everyone has been over it. I found out Batman ( Bryony) Is doing the same course next year so its great because means i wont be stuck on my own and i can get a lift into work. I'm so greatful for having Batman as a friend, without her i would be completely on my own with only craig and john as friends and no ofence to them but sometimes its just so good to talk to a girl! I'm greatful for the friends i do have, which isn't many, one friend i really am missing, can't wait for him to come down for my 18th, if he does that is.

Talk

God, somebody help me.
I'm falling, I'm failing.
letting go.

Its getting out of control
Please grab me, stop me.
Hold me, rock me.

It's me against the world
I can't do it
I'm lossing it, i can't handle it.

Rain falls, sun shines
Days pass, faces talk
Nothing get through, i jut wsant to walk.

Self Destruction

A week ago yesterday, i tried to kill myself. Obviously it wasn't successful in the fact that it didn't kill me, but now I'm wondering maybe it was just what i needed. The first few days up to Monday and Tuesday were horrible, to be honest i don't remember much i anything. I was just stuck in a horrible daze people would talk to me but what they were saying or the importance of it i was never sure of. I'm now under constant supervision as agreed by the doctors otherwise i will be back into the hospital ward as a danger to myself. Its very true at the moment i am my own worst enemy, I don't know what i will do next and i know I'm more than capable of trying to kill myself again. I hate using the phrase "kill myself" from now on I'm going to refer to it as ..... Bag. When i tried to bad myself it was irrational but something i had been thinking of for ages. It was inevitably going to happen i just needed something to slightly tip the boat and i would go over the edge. I was so fragile, a bomb waiting to go off, anything could of been the spark. Sadly it just happened to be that i was dumped. And there it was, next thing you know I'm running home at full speed overwhelmed with emotions, losing control rapidly. In fact i would say it was gone, long gone. Grabbed the pills and razor. Next thing I'm in an ambulance and my mum and dad are at the hospital waiting for me

I can't trust myself, so the idea of being able to trust someone is unknown to me. People are only human and will eventually let you down, now one can keep the facade going on for ever, pretending eventually they will slip up. When they do its yourself you have to rely on. I'm snookered then.

To be honest none of this is actualy what i want to say. I don't have a fucking clue!! what i want to say, i dont know where to fucking begin. All i know is that eveyrone is saying its going to get better and this is just the beginning and i know i have so much to look forward to, going to get my own car soon learn to drive and begin the courses of becoming a mechanic, which i have always wanted to do.
. I still feel this heavy burden on my sholders and pull down, i still have this desire, strong desire to just cut my arms to bits and destory myself. I'm stuck on this self destruct mode and i don't know how to switch it off.