I'm still at Ryan's, probably boring him to death and making him resort to the hyper and crazy mood he's got himself into. So whats happening at the moment.... hmm.

I'm tyring to get full time at work and book off holidays i have a feeling my boss will say no to both of those. If he does then i am screwed. Hoping to learn to drive soon, but i need money to do that and at the moment anything i have coming in is taken out in seconds and i don't know how!!?!?!?!

Argh! I have to return home tonight and i really don't want too, Things are difficult with Mum at the moment, and i have to go see my talker tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to. Basically at the moment, i can feel myself getting down again and not for the first time, i can't stop it, Its going and will soon be out of control. I don't mind the falling its hitting the ground i hate. It's cold, hard and not very forgiving. People lose respect and any trust in you. Everything and everyone changes.

I want to run away, live further away, a nice comfortable distance from my family, not having to see them or deal with them everyday. I want to escape the people who make my life difficult and so fucking awkward! They dont even do anything to make it that way!!! I just feel it, I feel this way and I can't get out of it!!! I'm sTUCK feeling the same thing and thinking anf acting the same way all the fucking time. My talker gives advice and points out the things to do to change it or show where im going wrong, and its fine when im in there with her but as soon as I'm outside its all gone to fuck!

Nothing matters anymore! Everythings lost, I can't get it back, so what do i have now? If i wanted anything i couldn't get it myself because I'm so fucking pathetic and god i hate being me, trapped inside this head, just a day outside of it would beb fucking fantastic. Just to get out hear a different voice, different thoughts ideas, see and hear different [places and i just want out!!!!

that song before by the way was by paramore, called only exception.

R-A-S-H

Hello,

Argh ok so obviously I'm not writing anything of great interest due to the lack of comments.
Oh well I'm not bothered really, here is a tribute to someone.

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And cursed at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darlin,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk, but

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know your leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Oh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believe in.
Oh, And I'm on my way to believe in.

Friday = Crazy, moody, customers, tuesday= retards.

So, hmm, not much is happening. Work sucks!
I could shouted at by a random old woman today because she couldn't find the jelly ¬¬
I hate CUSTOMERS!

One week until i get paid, i haven't had a cigarette in two days! I'm going crazy. I think mum will be pissed at me once i get home ekk... But i have good new for her so it shouldn't be tooo bad...

I had to see my talker this week with my Dad, he was so sweet at first and through out the whole thing, but it was awkward. We all sat down and Ellen looked at me to start the converstation, or sesion, and i didn't have a clue what to say, It was then i realized i was probably meant to have thought about what to say before the session, instead of trying to ignore it because i was to nervous and worried about it.
Something good did come from it though, I found out my Dad doesn't see me as disappointment, which does mean a lot. It was still rather wierd, it felt like everything was all over the place and although everyone felt things had changed or cleared up, I did get that idea, but it also felt as if it was a waste of time and nothing had changed. Anyway its probably because i was talking and wasn't aware of what i was actually saying and forgot most of the questions i was answering.

Its mum's turn next..... wonder how that will go.

Songs are brilliant, perfect art.
They send signals into your brain which sparks emotions, just words, notes, chords, brilliantly simple and so complicated at the same time. They bring up emotions and memories, they put across atmospheres and moments that you couldn't explain yourself.

I think and i would probably say, thats its the only thing putting signals into my brains, that i enjoy. People confuse me, stress me.

Music is passionate and way more interesting than anything in this world, imagin living in the passionate and dreamer world of music.

i would love to live there.

its got to bet better...... right?

Research = thinking = action = not good?

Lately i have been doing research on what's going on in my local town. What i have uncovered is nothing. Nothing for my age group that is. Ok, so there is an Amateur are club and also a Annan Walking club, both of which i have decided to join as a way of furthering my research into this town. Not only that but a way of hopefully meeting new people and generally gaining some sort of belonging in this town, of which at the moment I'm not experiencing. There are a few outcomes of this i can foresee, I make loads of new friends and enter a new and exciting chapter of my life including many new and interesting people and creating a large social group. OR i could just make a complete idiot of myself and never leave my house during the day due to laughing and much pointing. 

Altogether i have no idea of the outcome of this step forward, but at least its not a step off the side of a bridge. 

I also received a leaflet that I'm guessing everyone gets once they have turned eighteen encouraging them to vote. I got to thinking and realized (shamefully) that i don't know who my local Mp is. I soon found out it was David Mundell and decided to voice my opinion to him as encouraged to do so in the leaflet. The email soon became a long one about what is available in this town for people of my age group and older and younger and to be honest i am still shocked at the lack of anything provided. This is a conservative area and as you would expect on the local government website, it goes on about improving the local NHS and how more news about what's happening should be put on the TV more often (this i agree with). 

So i don't know if i will receive an email or any advancement on the issues i mentioned will take place, i highly doubt it, but as many say lets think positive!

Not much else to update on really. 

My first day at work went well, i was seriously clumsy and most probably did everything the wrong way, but as Jane says practice makes perfect. At the end of the day though i felt good, I know i can become good at the job and hopefully go further up the ladder. I am still really looking forward to my college course on mechanics though. Can't wait to start that but also glad to have a job and increase my savings. 

What do i have to do?

This blog really has become kind of crap compared to what my usual standard is. I have been ill for the past week which was horrible! 

I start work tomorrow for the first time so quiet excited. 

I really don't have much else to say right now to be honest. 

I think this posts even worse than any of the others. 

shit. 

I'm quite fed up at the moment and almost lost, i have a very strange sensation going on, I keep getting the shivers, I'm waiting for john to come over, we are suppose to be going out to the local pub for a few drinks then just back to his to listen to music and chill. For some reason going out to the pubs makes me really nervous, I have never really gone out here while being eighteen and its all just making me really nervous for no reason as if I'm not suppose to be there. I have as much right as anyone to be there, its a friday night and I'm eighteen! I feel almost that because i don't see myself or think i look eighteen i therefore think that no one else will think i am or believe me when i show my id or anything. They have before and i have no bloody reason to be worrying!! Its so annoying. 

I'm also worried john wont show up, he is already about twenty minutes late, not that i mind he is always late. lol 

Anyway I'm going to go sit downstairs and relax a bit more hopefully. 

xxx

The undead.

I had no sleep last night, seriously! I just lay there, eventually i gave up and decided to read, i finished the book and then i was totally stuck, eventually i fought it and fell asleep at four needing to be up at seven which sucked. Although while i was laying i managed to think about quite a few things. 

Recently i have finished reading this book called Kiss of life By Daniel Waters, It is the sequel to Generation Dead. These books are both brilliant, I recommend them to anyone. Becca you might like them. I don't know if any of my readers have read them. Basically People who die between the age of 14 to 18 years old come back from the dead. Refereed to as the undead, Differently Biotic and some other things. It goes through how it is for them in returning to life and the effects it has on the local community and society. 

I could relate to this because In my mind i feel like they do, I find simple tasks difficult to do, I feel as though my movements are slow and nothing compared to the pace and movement of the world around me. I'm not accepted in the local community, I feel numb most of the time although sometimes i do have moments of what i suppose is happiness but I'm not sure if they are just figments of my imagination or me just creating it in my head because i want so badly for things to be the way they used to be. I'm constantly searching for a reason or understanding of why i feel the way i do or reasons for me still being here. After my suicide attempt nothing has been the same again, not that i could ever of imagined it to be but Once you hit rock bottom things are meant to improve and nothing can be as bad as when you were down, right?

I feel as if I'm clinging onto every last bit of life in me, every little tiny bit of hope i have and what scares me the most is that slowly its all degrading and I'm losing each piece of string and eventually what will i be left with? 

Last night i pictured myself looking at a deep thick dark forest and i thought thats everything i have fought through the past six or seven years. Then i turn around and before me is a sharp edge to a cliff of which i can see the bottom. I have to choices, i either, jump putting everything i have learnt to waste or i difficultly and slowly make my way across the weak, pathetic bridge of which i also have a chance of falling off at any point, losing my grip again. Slipping just the once, one mistake and thats me falling. 

The true hear is not in falling; 

"Fallings not the problem is when i hit the ground it causes all the grief,

If i had no where to land i wouldn't be scared at all"

Falling is so much easier than crossing that bridge but i can't jump. Not anymore the moment has passed. I have made the first few steps. And guess what its Hell, I have a fear of heights and every step i take I'm not sure if it's my last or my first on the way to the place I'm suppose to be. 

I don't really know what to write in this one. 

I think i might put in a poem i wrote later on, not sure yet. I'm so fed up with life. Slowly moving along, feeling nothing, just stuck in a void. I have got to find something, things can only get better right?

Damn a duck!!

Bloody Hell!!!

I'm so bored out of my mind, fed up, pissed off, sad, frustrated unsatisfied with life!!

I have been looking for jobs and applied everywhere ! In this stupid dead end town and all the crap towns around us. There is nothing! I'm seriously considering just packing up and either just moving to Glasgow until I start college down here or just getting on a train to a random place. I know nether of those two options would help because of the recent state of affairs in this country but my god!

I look at the people. buildings and local newspapers and everything and it's horrible, Everyone so surrounded in this little town in their own little world, i sometimes wonder if people in the Uk are aware of our existence, I go into shock when i here about anyone without this area mentioning or referring to us. Today in the local i read about local army bases having more guy sent off to war, this area was chosen for them to go, and yes said i know or good i don't know what ever your views are but thats not the point, i was shocked that someone would actually pick people or think of this area. 

Nothing happens here, i remember the time i went to school here saying one day i will be out of here and i got out, twice but ended back here AGAIN! I have to find something!! I seriously think I'm losing it. Well i have technically already lost it but ARGH! I feel trapped.

All my time consists of, going to local job centre looking at jobs i have already applied for, going to our local cafe, going to the cinema, chilling in my room with john, which i don't mind really, or chilling his room, playing the sims, I love spending time with John, or at my mums but i need something in between, something new and challenging to appreciate these places and people more. 

where's my lighter!!

My party is tomorrow, i guess i am excited? I don't know anymore. I don't mind having loads of people over and being social and the host and everything and making sure everyone is comfortable and having a good time. What i think is bothering me is having to dress up and try look god, its just not me and i don't think i will look good, probably just uncomfortable and ridiculous.  I feel quite alone in it all, i know its for me but I'm not sure of the role i play.  The more i think about it, if i was to sneak out during the party people would be socializing and keeping themselves entertained would they really notice my absence. I'm not saying i would want everyone to constantly be talking to me and all the attention to be on me i would hate that!! I don't know what i going on about, i don't understand my reasons for feeling this way. I am getting the shivers and cold sweats thinking about it. 

I have been helping nan organize and clean the house for the past few days and i don't think its helping with the calming process I'm trying to put myself through. I am looking forward to getting this over and done with and wednesday coming so i can get me new pet bird :D and officially being eighteen. Anyway i think its time for another coffee, more suzanne vega and a another cigarette.

inspired by Becca

This post is inspired by a blog buddy of mine called Becca.  I seriously don't have to write posts anymore because most of the things i have felt, thought or experienced Becca has mentioned on her blog. I think her way of writing is brilliant, so honest open, and raw and alive!!  Just a note to say i enjoy reading her blog and i promise things will get better they have to right?

I do like face-book, (as much as you can like an social network) but it took me fifty bloody minutes to upload pictures onto it. I know this problem is most likely caused by my own internet and slow p.c. but i like my p.c. to much to dare have any fault with it.  Today was another pointless day, i just wondered around wasting time, hoping time passes more quickly so i can be eighteen sooner. Walked the dogs with mum, which was good fun but sometimes it can feel awkward but there isn't any reason why i should feel this i just do in social situations. 

Its like, at the moment I'm living with my aunt and nan, which makes me sound so uncool but they are awesome! I couldn't ask for any cooler people to live with.  Its just sometimes i worry, i could be doing more, or don't do enough, get on their nerves or in their way sometimes. I don't want them to be thinking negatively of me. Its good because i know if there is something i should be doing, or have done wrong because they normally leave me little notes. I have decided to write them a little note and put it on the kettle where i know they will get it saying, if there is anything more they want me to be doing around the house just to let me know or if there's something i should be doing that I'm not. 

Also my nan is throwing this huge party for my 18th this weekend, which makes me more nervous because i haven't had much to do with it, she has sort of organized it all herself, she loves doing this sort of thing, but i just feel i should be doing more but when i say to her is there anything you want me to do she just says she will let me know. She hasn't of yet, but I'm also going to leave her a note too saying i have the rest of the week free if there is anything she needs me to help with. 

People are actually going to be turning up to my 18th that i invited which i can't believe!! I didn't think anyone i knew would really be interested, mind you there will be free booze and it is a party so who would say no i guess lol. Which reminds me my uncle and aunt and children i think are coming which is very exciting because i haven't seen them since i moved out. When i lived with them things were weird and i think i kind of let them down, so now its a good chance to show how I'm turning my life around and hopefully make things up to them, show i do have some good about me. I feel quite guilty because they did so much for me and due to things out of my control i was a complete teenager at times and awkward to live with. I'm very grateful for everything they have done for me, and if they ever read this, i would just like to say, I'm sorry for the trouble i caused and thank you so!! much for the opportunity you provided for me and one of the best school years of my life. 

Wish i could do more for you then just say these words and i hold a promise to myself that one day i will put these words into actions. 

Anyway Johns going to be here in a minute so i guess i should probably try and make the room safe for others (unprotected and not as immune as i am) to enter it.  

The situation at the mo

This is how things are at the moment. I'm 18 years old (young some would say) this Saturday, currently unemployed, i can't drive yet, I have savings although they are beginning to run low, everyone i know either has a career, in college or university and I'm writing in a blog i suspect wont actually get me anywhere or serve any use full purpose in my life, yet i continue to have this unquestionable dedication to it. I spend most days, such as today, getting up at nine, having a shower, about 4 cups of coffee, and cigarettes before i venture out into what is the high street to carry out pointless and time consuming earns. Then returning home and finding anything to pass the time. I'm doing everything i can to find a job. 

Things seem to be getting better, but not going anywhere, or maybe they are, its just all taking place so slowly i can't actually see it. I think once this week is over things will change, funny the different a week, and age can make, opens up so many doors i don't have the key to at the moment. Some would say i should appreciate the time i have on my hands at the moment,  i believe I'm doing my best to do that, by doing all the small things i wouldn't normally have time to if i did have a job or something to occupy my time. 

I said earlier i would update the blog on some of my dairy entrees but to be honest there really isn't anything in there worth mentioning at the moment apart from what's above.

 

*waves*

Well long time to speaky! Things have been happening, but at the slow motion state of my life at the moment you wouldn't believe it. I went away on holiday to London with my Gran, which was crazy and a holiday i will never forget. Just spent the past few weeks, looking for jobs and something to keep me going for the next year until i get into college next September ¬¬ so bloody long away!!

Its my 18Th birthday in a week, my gran is throwing me a huge birthday party which is awesome, but i don't really have much of a say in it and I'm worried no one will turn up, but my uncle and aunt are coming down and might bring the children which makes it more enjoyable and something more to look forward too.

You know what there really is just so much to write about, i don't know where to start and by writing this post, and blabbing on about what very crap comes into my head i am, sadly, and pathetically trying to avoid the ciaos and natter that is running through my mind. I know that if i do start on one of my rants i may never stop and could possibly end up going down a road i don't want to go down.

So in the next few days i will fill you in with segments from my diary and until then, this little update should keep you occupied lol, how i don't have a f**king clue!!

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

My Den

shes lost control again

I want to be alone, happy with my own company. I thought i was craving someone to with, share my life with, but I'm not sure that's what I'm after.
I want to be comfortable, at peace and content just being here, on my own in my room, reading. Valuing my own company, who i am as a person. Happy with me.
How can i appreciate and like who i am though? and how can i expect anyone else too when i can't do it for myself?

Winter is coming, the nights are getting darker earlier. As usual in this town its raining, damp, cloudy, gray but not yet cold. I'm scared about the darkness ahead that comes with winter, the loneliness and sadness that comes with it. Not looking forward to whats coming, having to deal with it in my room, hiding, things are worse during the night. I'm terrified. Winter is the best time of the year for me normally. Makes me feel my strongest emotions, most connected with them.

What i write ii feel like I'm sharing it with someone as if I'm on T.v or something as if, i have an audience. But i don't its just me who reads it, just my mind who i show and discuss it with. I'm trying to imagine someone to share it with but i can't picture anyone i would want to open up to it all, but i can't picture anyone who would react or say or understand the way i do in my own mind. How could they? I can only think of one person who gets me but they aren't around sadly and I'm quite glad their not to see me in this state.

What I'm asking for, looking for i someone who is my mind, its voices, opinions, and understanding but in human form. I hope one day i will find someone who will be my audience but i doubt it al ot of the time. How could i ask that of anyone? it would be selfish of me, I just dreaming.
It would be easier for me to just accept and know myself without relying on another human, who would have their own agenda, problems and cards to being to the table. The some how links to my desire for my own death, relief from everything but I'm not completely sure how.

I think I'm losing it again. Seriously.last time i went nuts! cut off all my hair, just wasn't myself
now i think its happening again but worse. Last time i lost it mentally, but not physically, its going too, I'm not eating right, i have shivers convulsions, i pull at my hair, go cold very quickly, I'm making myself ill, i have to sit and curl up into a ball until it goes away, I'm riding waves of pain but i can' feel them anymore emotionally so now they are physically getting me.
i might go back to the hospital they can lock me up for a while.

twilight

Darko says (22:18):
well, its this book, fills me with emotions, feelings like I'm going through every single moment and second with her. I have never read anything thats, touched soo deep before. Nothing ever affected me this much. AS you know I'm a hudge unquestionably big fan of music and books. Thats because sometimes when i listen to certain songs or read certain books, my heart beats a little faster and i get
Darko says (22:19):
flutter of excitement when i read something i udnerstand or i completely know about, or have experienced and agree with. Something i have udnerstanding and apprecation for and to know someone else has felt that wrote about it in a song or bok. Makes me emotionly get butter flies and feel Alive!
this book though
its like ten times that!
Its ruling my life
all i think about
Darko says (22:20):
even when i'm not reading it I'm feeling everything going through it all in my head as if I'm the girl in the book
I have a hudge urge to cry and i feel quite sad very depressed when i think about it because, once this book is over, its the end
Dave-Ed says (22:22):
So what? Surely only the end of the written book, so continue it as yourself?
Darko says (22:23):
but then im alone again