the waiting is the hardest part

I wrote this while sitting out in the Garden this afternoon. Little snippet from my Diary.

"For the first time in a long time i am at peace.

The sun is shinning, i can feel the warmth on my bare legs. Not to strong, just enough to let me know it there and going to be around for a while. Like a soft firm hand, lightly stroking me leg to let me know its there for me, a comfort. The soft breeze creating slight movement with my hair and the page i write on. As if it represents the feeling of excitement and life that lingers in the air at this moment.

No heavy thoughts on my mind, just excitement and passion running through my veins. Love and appreciate everything. I have brilliant sandwich and can of irn bru waiting for me in the fridge. Two perfect books waiting for my fingers to gaze and turn the pages. Tracey Chapman singing in my ear and time moving along slowly, feels like this lovely day wont ever come to an end. I have worked hard the last two months, stood strong and made life what i want it to be. Today is just made more wonderful by that. This moment is perfect.

I long for someone to share it with but to be honest, I'm so happy and every things to right at the moment another human to share it with might damage the day's beauty. The fact that they don't feel as i do or even worse don't appreciate it like i do, for me would dampen the day and bring a sadness into it that I'm tired of experiencing. I know of few who could make this great, one of them is dead and the other isn't open enough or anywhere near free enough to experience the full power of this day. I'm not sure if i am quite experiencing the full potential this day has to be great but what I've got at the moment is fantastic.

I'm not breaking down and I'm not falling apart. I'm strong, I've been rejected, I'm an open book to that days that aren't here with me yet. I'me alive and i have plenty to give and much to share. This world owes me nothing. I no longer feel angry. At this moment in life everything i have is right in front of me. I'm not in love although i am loved. This is a taste of life and for the first time since my last first kiss i feel alive.