How long is it going to be like this? Everything is wrong! I don't know how to make it right, or what right is or even what the hell it is thats wrong. I want a life! I want to have fun and actually look forward to something and is it much to ask to actually feel excited about something!! Excitement would be awesome or just feeling good, a nice warm feeling like if i died now it would be fine by me. I'm 18 meant to be best uears of my like and its the most dull and boring and shit!

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This room is so small and all my stuff is in it and Ryans, it's a bit of a nightmare. Normally it doesn't bother me, but I don't know whats wrong with me lately. I watch TV shows i normally hate and look at how their lives are turning out and where mine is and comparing (which is never good) getting frustrated and completely fed up with everything. I have no friends where i live apart from people i know through Ryan.I'm suppose to be starting college in August if i turn up to the interview which i want to do still but to be honest I'm kind of scared and what if i complete;y suck? I just wish i could find something I'm actually good at and something i can specialise in and say yeah I can kick your ass at this. Its pathetic i know.

I think this all started when someone reminded me at work of someone who i really dislike. I met them a few years ago while living in Annan and they just made me feel like this - - big. They opened the door and i lost my words they had this Ora about them and everyone loved them and they have the life style i could of had did everything better than me and got what ever they wanted. I guess i knew before that i was a bit of a loser but always hoped i would be someone or have at least something more to my name. This person brings out the worst in me and in the end its turned out I'm the bad person and even More of a loser than i initially thought i was and now I'm alone apart from Ryan and family and charlotte in Glasgow. Thats! another thing! This peson is living there, my home no way are they good enough or even appreciatetive anough and argh what am i talking about they have probably made everyone their fall in love with them and think that they are the best thing since sliced bread and have met everyone i knew and turned all them against me.

I' know I'm being stupid but i can't help it i feel like crap and thinking about them today was like a kick in the face when I'm already down. I'm just frustraited because I'm in a job that i can't go any further in because I'm starting college in August which seems like ages away and I'm just wasteing time until then. I have no friends but as everyone says I'm sure I will make friends at college but thats like my summer fucked and Argh. I miss Charlotte its hard getting the money to go up and see her i should be able to in May, and she will have finished her exams by then i think. Anyway the room is a mess again and its only a day later since i last spoke about it.

Shift it!

I’m stressed and I have no idea why. Today I have got up and sat around the room with the TV on doing nothing when I actually have quite a lot to do. The washing needs done, the Dishes, Need to have a shower, clean the room and be organised in time to leave for the bus to go visit my Dad. This room is a mess and I can’t even blame me boyfriend because it is mostly my mess. Argh there is an awkward part on the TV between to people who were married then split then tried again and split again and it cringe to watch. Argh this show is awful!! I want to scream, my skin is crawling!!!

Now their singing!! That’s it changing the channel... I can’t find the remote!! Ahhh!

Ok, got it, sorted.

AHHH it’s got worse!! Someone is proposing and its HORRIBLE AHAHAHAHAHAHA, I want to cry!!!

Oh, it’s actually quite sad... Oh well defiantly turning over now.

I should probably write something that is worth reading, recently I’ve been really stressed because i felt I was running out of time, you know. Now doing anything with my time and it would all go to waste and I had this image of me being an old woman sitting in her lounge having done nothing she had planned for her life. I don’t want to be like that, I would love to travel the world, find a profession I’m great at and enjoy, seeing and experiencing so many things the world has to offer. I have to stop freaking out though and just enjoy whatever is happening and instead of sitting feeling shit about the area I live and how little there is to do, I should be out there making the most of what little it does have to offer. There is plenty I could be doing with my time I’m just too lazy to actually get up off my arse and do it. I could go for bike rides and long walks, I normally wait until Ryan is round to do that stuff but why should I? I don’t have to confidence to go out on my own but I’m never going to get it if I don’t get out there and actually do it!! I used to have to confidence I wouldn’t have even given it a second thought.

SO yeah rant over and I’m still bloody sitting here... That’s it,

Get up!!