Slowmo!!

OK so moving on to different chapter of my life. So it should be. However, not so. Well it doesn't feel like I am. To be honest at the moment, i can see where i want to be what i should be aiming for, its like sitting in a chair, in the middle of an empty road, early hours of the morning, suns rising and down this road, empty road, is a small quiet cafe, where i know once i reach it i can enjoy a nice cub of tea and a cake of some sort. How ever, For some unknown reason to me i feel that taking the step from the chair and the path to the cafe is much more difficult than i originally thought. What ever it is I feel like i physically and emotionally can't find the strength to get myself up and standing. Never mind actually walking along the path.

What I'm trying to say, is that i feel caught between chapters of my life, i can see where everyone thinks i'm heading, the next stage I'm suppose to me drifting into and where some may actually think i have arrived. I haven't! I don't even think I'm close, I just feel trapped in slow motion compared to everyone else.

Walking the dog at the same time gives me a almost structure to my day, its pleasant to know that at these, same times everyday i will be there with the dog no matter what. Should be getting my money soon which is good but involves learning to drive starting college filling in a lot! of Forms and all these things i just don't feel i have the confidence to deal with anymore. Cousins staying over cause she's locked out so its nice to have the company. Takes my mind off things and for the first time in a while i have actually laughed about things.

SOme day you will be loved by Death Cab for cutie.

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Life has a funny way....

OK. that post i just published was utter shit!

You know what, I'm going to write a complete frank, and honest, post and account for whats going on with me at the moment. In my mind.

I feel physically sick with this whole place, society, people this endless needless spectrum of emotion that everyone says they experience. No ones ever completely honest and open with their emotions with other people or themselves. In my mind, this brings out ideas. = These days emotions are becoming meaningless and pathetic, a fashion statement. No ones ever at ease or free to express their emotions, emotions lead onto actions and if people are being dishonest about their emotions how can they carry out, the actions they want to or do what they feel is right. They can't that doesn't matter anymore. Its politically incorrect.

Everyone has expectations of how others should act, react and be, how situations should turn out. People are under pressure to be liked, loved and appreciated, and therefore follow through with these actions and pressured desires. Thinking its what they want, what will bring them happiness, fulfillment = bullsh*t! Eventually they get lost in these emotions and believe that its not them that are causing their unhappiness but other areas and people in their lives, and blame it on the things others think cause the problems, work, partners, children, family, friends. all that jazz.

Its a fashion statement to act and feel certain ways, people are persuaded by music, magazines, the news. Family are meant to be there for you no matter what you do, they stand next to you no matter who or what you are. That's a basic rule or is suppose to be. So they are a necessary evil. They don't have a choice in the matter. Apparently. That in my mind sucks, not only do they not have to love or care about your welfare but they have to act like they do to put on a front to the outside world that the family is a strong unit. Once you turn your back on them, you should be shamed.

Friends.. So many different types. I have as few as possible and only one or two who really know me that well at all. In fact i know only one person who knows everything about me. I don't know everything about them, so therefore i feel this insecurity, constant need for reassurance that they aren't going to leave me, let me down or turn against me. Everyone else, well we all use each other, as long as its both for the same reasons its all OK, right??

Emotions, I'm trying to say, will never be shown, they will never be placed clearly to see on the table. Emotions are caused by thoughts, which are influenced by chemicals in the mind which decide your likes and dislikes, there for the music, news paper, and people you associate with. Thoughts are peoples most private possessions and there for, showing true emotions and real actions could cause a window into the thoughts and the mind and god forbid that happen!

I have been told to share my emotions with people, tell people whats going on inside my head, be honest, talk open up, let us in to help. I did, before i would always say i didn't care what people thought but it was always on my mind. Now i seriously don't and with this my actions and thoughts will follow this. I opened up let people in they did what they had to and that's me done, with it i have gained a freedom, of speech and thought more areas to explore.

What i found difficult was that because my actions became physically, dangerous to myself and others i was forced to reveal all. However no one, was willing to completely reveal all to me. None of the specialists, obviously family members wont and friends are awkward and don't know what to say at times but just smile and accept it. I can't believe that people care for me or want to help me because, I don't see how they can know what they want, I can't rely on them to know what to do, how to feel or act. I can't believe they really truly want to help me or be there for me because everyone has a secret agenda, their own personal, selfish reasons for doing things. How do i know they are doing it for me and not themselves. I don't and the truth is, i know they will never just do it for me, they might believe and argue to the death that its all for me but deep deep down its just as much for themselves as it is me. I will never believe what people say or rely on their assumed emotions and thoughts because its not truly them talking.

I believe you can only truly trust and know someones true intentions and truly believe their reasons and care for you and dedication when they are sacrificing whats most important to them and honestly using strong actions. Body language says a lot more than words every could. Actions shout and scream and communicate so much more than the English language or any other language ever could. The day i will truly trust someone enough to share and reveal all with them i the day they are willing to give up everything just to have that honest and pure human involvement with me. What you have to ask yourself is though, would you actually ask them to give up everything and put them to the test with the fear of them not doing it and would you do the same for them.

don't remember writing this post,... oh well!

I have moved back into my nans, two weeks after the incident, in many respects things are getting better. However i do get my exam results in exactly two weeks so things could get a whole lot worse. Not that i need them that much because I'm not going to university anymore. Decided to do a course at dumfries college, its closer to home and can only be for a year if i want, meaning i can always continue onto uni at some later point but at the moment everyone thinks i should be here to continue with getting the mental health care i need. My mum asked me if i feel myself again or if i still don't feel right, i answered saying i still don't feel right but then i got thinking. What am i suppose to feel to be feeling myself? I can't remember a time thinking, oh i do feel like myself today. I haven't got a clue what I'm suppose to be looking out for, in ways for me to start feeling myself. I wondered about it for a little longer and soon came to the conclusion that when i feel myself, will be the day i feel comfortable, at a calm with myself. To be honest most days are constant battles. What comes naturally to people such as, eating when your hungry, going to bed when your tired and being social towards people, is sometimes the most difficult thing in the world for me. Even knowing what I'm in a good or bad mood for, or to begin with what kind of mood I'm in and how to deal with it.

I actually managed to leave the house today with a sleveless top on aswell, which felt great! It was only a short walk out with the dog, and i didn't actually bumb into anyone at all. However it still felt good and reminded me of the confidence i used to have being about just to roam around showing so much skin. It also demonstrated for me how badly my confidence has been affected, i felt uncomfortable, exposed and like everyone was looking at me thinking "what the fuck, who does she think she is!". At one point i even thought i could see the dog thinking it, and looking at me as if to say what the hell!? I know this is upsurd but the voice in my head have liturelly taken over, so much so that they sound like me and I'm thinking them on my own accord, its no longer sounding as if its coming from a different person, only rarely does that now happen. I wonder if i will ever escape these voices. I highly doubt it now that they have become such a strong part of me, I will always be quite a negative person, just have to make sure its not all towards myself. Not saying i should be negative towards other people but if someones being a twat, its time to realise its not my fault.

So back the college course i was talking about, its training to become a mechanic, I'm surprised by how supportive and helpful everyone has been over it. I found out Batman ( Bryony) Is doing the same course next year so its great because means i wont be stuck on my own and i can get a lift into work. I'm so greatful for having Batman as a friend, without her i would be completely on my own with only craig and john as friends and no ofence to them but sometimes its just so good to talk to a girl! I'm greatful for the friends i do have, which isn't many, one friend i really am missing, can't wait for him to come down for my 18th, if he does that is.

Talk

God, somebody help me.
I'm falling, I'm failing.
letting go.

Its getting out of control
Please grab me, stop me.
Hold me, rock me.

It's me against the world
I can't do it
I'm lossing it, i can't handle it.

Rain falls, sun shines
Days pass, faces talk
Nothing get through, i jut wsant to walk.

Self Destruction

A week ago yesterday, i tried to kill myself. Obviously it wasn't successful in the fact that it didn't kill me, but now I'm wondering maybe it was just what i needed. The first few days up to Monday and Tuesday were horrible, to be honest i don't remember much i anything. I was just stuck in a horrible daze people would talk to me but what they were saying or the importance of it i was never sure of. I'm now under constant supervision as agreed by the doctors otherwise i will be back into the hospital ward as a danger to myself. Its very true at the moment i am my own worst enemy, I don't know what i will do next and i know I'm more than capable of trying to kill myself again. I hate using the phrase "kill myself" from now on I'm going to refer to it as ..... Bag. When i tried to bad myself it was irrational but something i had been thinking of for ages. It was inevitably going to happen i just needed something to slightly tip the boat and i would go over the edge. I was so fragile, a bomb waiting to go off, anything could of been the spark. Sadly it just happened to be that i was dumped. And there it was, next thing you know I'm running home at full speed overwhelmed with emotions, losing control rapidly. In fact i would say it was gone, long gone. Grabbed the pills and razor. Next thing I'm in an ambulance and my mum and dad are at the hospital waiting for me

I can't trust myself, so the idea of being able to trust someone is unknown to me. People are only human and will eventually let you down, now one can keep the facade going on for ever, pretending eventually they will slip up. When they do its yourself you have to rely on. I'm snookered then.

To be honest none of this is actualy what i want to say. I don't have a fucking clue!! what i want to say, i dont know where to fucking begin. All i know is that eveyrone is saying its going to get better and this is just the beginning and i know i have so much to look forward to, going to get my own car soon learn to drive and begin the courses of becoming a mechanic, which i have always wanted to do.
. I still feel this heavy burden on my sholders and pull down, i still have this desire, strong desire to just cut my arms to bits and destory myself. I'm stuck on this self destruct mode and i don't know how to switch it off.

Where am i?

Sleeping patterns have changed. I now sleep for longer and at times better, although if having deeper sleeps is better i don't know. I wake up often and many times during the night but when i am asleep not much can disturb me apart from my own dreams that wake me. I woke at half 5 this morning, swearing and cursing because it was so earlier and i wasn't annoyed thinking i wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. I woke up at half 7 and i was standing up in my room. I guess i had gone and closed the curtains, and again was really angry. Got into bed and lay there thinking god what a shit day today is going to be, the thoughts of lack of money and everything else i have to do buzzing around my head. I knew i had to get more sleep. I woke up again at half 10. In a OK mood, able to deal with things i could not a few hours earlier. I know when to get up, when i wake up and don't want to scream then its Ok to get up.

I guess to anyone reading this it would be really boring, to be quite honest i have no idea why i wrote it. Just to keep everyone updated i believe, although why sleeping patterns are important i haven't a clue. It might affect my day or the waves of my moods. Who knows.

Watched a great movie last night called sleepwalking. Awesome!! Brilliant. I was sitting the dark watching it and i could watch it again and again and again. Love it. Superb creation, compared to the one i watched before it which was just plain weird and creepy, french thing, no wonder i suppose. Sorry Charlotte but you will agree.

The weather is SO hot, I spend most of my time trying to wear the last amount of clothes possible or sit in a way where there is the least contact between my skin and the clothes. I live on ice cream and cold irn bru, pain killers and trips to the library which is about all my day will consist of. Baby sitting cousin tonight, for a few hours that will be nice their house is always cold. Also found a new way to where my hair so it doesn't get in my way at all or touch my skin at all, very pleasant to wear, how ever stupid i may look, everyone has got to the point where they just don't give a fuck as have i.