hmm what too saayyy.....

This morning wasn't the best start to things, I was on my way to get the bus for going to the doctors and it never turned up so i couldn't go again, which i feel bad about. Actually.. Thats all that really happened today now i think about it. Ryan and me moved his room around which was funny, He ended up getting stressed and said i wasn't helping. tehe, oh well. I think the moving of the room came on after last night i went in a mood with him because i felt iw as making most of the sacrifices and that he wasn't bothered about my moving day. I had brought all my stuff over and he just wanted to get it sorted out so he could play his game. Which was fair enough it was a new game but at the same time, this was me moving in, offically. Having my stuff in his house and actually living here, i needed space to put and have as my own to put things and have a home for my things and it was like he wasn't willing to spare anyroom apart form a few draws. Anyway, He has made an effort now so its dealt with.

There really isn't much else to say apart from that.

Laters

I have to go to the doctors and i really!! Can't be bothered!!!!!

Toooo daa dooo

Hi again.

I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Its very exciting, i think i would be more excited if i felt any strong vibe from him that he is OK with it. It was his and his Mum's suggestion, I'm just worried that now it's all going ahead he wont want it as much. I wonder if he realizes how much of a change its going to make to his life and mine, as well as his mum's. I have packed my stuff to keep it to a minimum but there is still a lot and I'm particular about how i have it layed out. I know there will have to be sacrifices I'm prepared for that, I just wonder if he is and argh just whats going on in his head!?

I miss Charlotte, i dunno why, I think its just hanging out with a good friend i miss. I know i know i have Ryan but that's different we are going out and now and as much as i love spending time with him, so much so that when he is gone for not even two days i don't know what to do with myself. How pathetic. I just miss going to the cinemas or just somewhere to go chill out and say hello. I keep having these dreams were I'm being chased by someone and many people, for about a week now and almost, if not every night. Normally they are after someone i care about such as Ryan, Charlotte my sisters or my Mum. I usually get them away safely and than i have to deal with the people trying to kill us. Its horrible not matter what i do i know in the end i will die. I know I'm dying every night and i don't know what to do, they're getting worse.

Do you ever feel that you are a spectator of your own life, like you watch each day pass but your not quite part of it. I have felt like that for quite a while now, and slowly i believe I'm beginning to come out of it, waking up almost. This is a horrible experience. It causes more panic attacks stress and worry but at the same time I'm still floating so to some extent I'm still chilled inside and almost just don't care anymore. I don't give a damn about anything that i don't see as highly important or worthwhile.

The page for writing a post is really uninspiring. Its hard to find inspiration for anything at the moment. The idea of sitting in the garden reading while smoking and drinking some nice wine is pleasant in my head, but as soon as i go to do it, i can't be arsed. All interest is lost i just don't care anymore. I keep thinking and seeing people in the media, news, websites, doing things important and special with their time, becoming known and helpful or use full in something, anything in life, having an impact and then i look at my own life and all i see is empty days pass by. Days full of work, watching movies, TV or listening to music, spending time with Ryan or Charlotte or avoiding going home. All there is is nothing, so there is nothing at all, no all involved, in fact no all even thought about. I guess you could argue well its a life, and yes it is, but whats the use of it? So many other people are doing the same thing there must be more we are put here to do than just that. I cant just accept that as it, as that's all there is and to accept would mean having accepted my life as is and i just can't do that.

I want to do something with my life and why should i have to wait until this happens or for when time is ready. While thinking of something worthwhile to do all i can come up with is the idea of writing my book. I haven't done anything with it for a while. That's the only way i can see myself getting heard, having an impact and something near any kind of good coming out of this life that is supposedly mine. We are 63 days into this year and what have i done with it? nothing i will remember for a long time. Think about how many hours, days, weeks, months are in one persons life time, and how much of it they actually remember? Is that a waste? Why are we given such long lives, with so much in it, when also cursed with such small memories that we can't withhold all the times and moments in life we've experienced.


I started this year content in my job, going out with someone else, spending most time in watching TV with boyfriend and family or online talking to my best friend Charlotte. I was writing a song for a friends college course. By the end of January and the beginning of February, I had left my boyfriend, spending more time with Charlotte and avoiding family. In February i have spent most of the month hanging out with Ryan listening to music, and falling in love again. Sharing thins with someone is special and I'm grateful to have him in my life, reminding me I'm not completely numb. Went to see 30 seconds to Mars and they we bloody brilliant! Saw jarred Leto up close and managed to get Charlotte the autograph of someone she had a crush on. which i was pleased with and obviously she was too.

Argh.

Shut up.