My Den

shes lost control again

I want to be alone, happy with my own company. I thought i was craving someone to with, share my life with, but I'm not sure that's what I'm after.
I want to be comfortable, at peace and content just being here, on my own in my room, reading. Valuing my own company, who i am as a person. Happy with me.
How can i appreciate and like who i am though? and how can i expect anyone else too when i can't do it for myself?

Winter is coming, the nights are getting darker earlier. As usual in this town its raining, damp, cloudy, gray but not yet cold. I'm scared about the darkness ahead that comes with winter, the loneliness and sadness that comes with it. Not looking forward to whats coming, having to deal with it in my room, hiding, things are worse during the night. I'm terrified. Winter is the best time of the year for me normally. Makes me feel my strongest emotions, most connected with them.

What i write ii feel like I'm sharing it with someone as if I'm on T.v or something as if, i have an audience. But i don't its just me who reads it, just my mind who i show and discuss it with. I'm trying to imagine someone to share it with but i can't picture anyone i would want to open up to it all, but i can't picture anyone who would react or say or understand the way i do in my own mind. How could they? I can only think of one person who gets me but they aren't around sadly and I'm quite glad their not to see me in this state.

What I'm asking for, looking for i someone who is my mind, its voices, opinions, and understanding but in human form. I hope one day i will find someone who will be my audience but i doubt it al ot of the time. How could i ask that of anyone? it would be selfish of me, I just dreaming.
It would be easier for me to just accept and know myself without relying on another human, who would have their own agenda, problems and cards to being to the table. The some how links to my desire for my own death, relief from everything but I'm not completely sure how.

I think I'm losing it again. Seriously.last time i went nuts! cut off all my hair, just wasn't myself
now i think its happening again but worse. Last time i lost it mentally, but not physically, its going too, I'm not eating right, i have shivers convulsions, i pull at my hair, go cold very quickly, I'm making myself ill, i have to sit and curl up into a ball until it goes away, I'm riding waves of pain but i can' feel them anymore emotionally so now they are physically getting me.
i might go back to the hospital they can lock me up for a while.

twilight

Darko says (22:18):
well, its this book, fills me with emotions, feelings like I'm going through every single moment and second with her. I have never read anything thats, touched soo deep before. Nothing ever affected me this much. AS you know I'm a hudge unquestionably big fan of music and books. Thats because sometimes when i listen to certain songs or read certain books, my heart beats a little faster and i get
Darko says (22:19):
flutter of excitement when i read something i udnerstand or i completely know about, or have experienced and agree with. Something i have udnerstanding and apprecation for and to know someone else has felt that wrote about it in a song or bok. Makes me emotionly get butter flies and feel Alive!
this book though
its like ten times that!
Its ruling my life
all i think about
Darko says (22:20):
even when i'm not reading it I'm feeling everything going through it all in my head as if I'm the girl in the book
I have a hudge urge to cry and i feel quite sad very depressed when i think about it because, once this book is over, its the end
Dave-Ed says (22:22):
So what? Surely only the end of the written book, so continue it as yourself?
Darko says (22:23):
but then im alone again

Low

Today.. has been, crap.

I was woken from peaceful slumber, by the alarm clock i forgot i had set, a week ago at 8 am to get up for a train. Went back to bed to be woken again, realizing i had slept in and probably shuld get up because my cousin, who i was suppose to be baby sitting had arrived, nice and lively for 10 in the morning, oh joy!

He wanted to paint, then watch tv, then eat, and do everything at once, but got bored so quickly i had just sat down to start painting with him, and he had finished gone to show nan and now wanted to watch t.v. I wasn't bothered thought it was a good oppertunity to read, and maybe shut him up for a few minutes, which it did, but only for minutes. Soon enough his Father came to pick him up. I ran out the house soon after hoping to find something in town to occupy myself, soon realizing i was going to fail misserably, got some movies and food to bring back and spend the night in my room hiding and getting through this depression on my own. The best way i think.

However think i will avoid the supermarket for a few days... hope i got everything i need. The basket i picked broke while i was in the middle of the store, and then as usual i had to deal with old class mates who serve you, which is highly embarrising and awkward when, A, its your personal shopping, B, they didn't like you in schoo, and C, you still have no confidence and are almost more pathetic than when they used to take the piss out of you at school.

Bought the shittest magazine ever, don't quite know what i was thinking!

Trying to provok, some sort of emotion within myself, which today just seems like a complete failure, I woke up feeling low, sad and like I'm about to burst into tearsm which would be ok, because normally i would cry to myself or find some way to deal with it. But due to the fact i can't self harm anymore and crying well i haven't done that in months! I'm quite fucked in terms of having a good day.

Now I'm going to watch zombies eat people, walk the dog and have some left overs for dinner. Brilliant evening for miss Heather Jane walker. Perfect ¬¬

Death is easy, living it difficult. I wondn't have it any other way,

Well, This is my 52nd post.

This world is MAD!
I can't escape it, i tried.

so, all thats left is to live it.

I have found myself partly i think.

I believe i am moving forward!

Which makes a change.

I went to the dark place and was there for years, i have had enough i want to move on. I'm ready to accept who i'm becoming and where its taking me. I know now that i wont always be the same person and that makes me feel good. I know that life will change who i am at the moment. I'm gonig to experience things, moments, people and actions which therefore will change my plans, where i'm heading and my paths. I'm going along, I'm just a girl. What more can i do, Taking things slow, moving along.

I would say that I am who i am and now one can change that but its not true, everyone changes but not in the way people expect its not to with bad or good anymore i don't believe it ever was. Its about surviving. We are only human.

I'm a girl, who loves music, it fills my heart
I'm a girl, who loves to paint, it fills my mind
I'm a girl, who doesn't trust, its me surviving
I'm a girl, who isn't dying, but is living.
I'm a girl, who no one can judge, who just doesn't care.
I'm a girl, who doesn't need anyone, and will never admit if that ever changes.

I'm just a girl, who will pass you in the street,
I'm a just a girl, who would love, to love again.