Thursday

"You were unusual as a child lets put it that way, you had your own little things going on in your head that no one could ever understand. I remember when we walked along the beach and any time you saw a boat laying upside down you would get really upset. No one knew why." Said my mum on the way to Mac Donald's where we were about to encounter so many flies you wondered if the dead body they were making our food from was in the back.

"you never spoke to anyone apart from me, you just watched, come out with things that people didn't expect or understand" she continued, at this point i was having to my flash backs of memories it was unbelieveable i still can't make sense of many of them. flying at me and hitting me like i was standing in front of someone with a bucket of tennis balls and a racket.

I miss my childhood a lot, wish i had never spoken stayed quiet and like that for ever, innocent deep in thought trying to understand the unknown world around me. Wish it had stayed unknown, everything was taken from me without my permission or me having anyting to do with the process like most children. At the age of ten i had to grow up look after my sister and mum, i had my childhood taken from me, my innocence, dreams and the basic structure of my life.

Now i am such a better person for it though, i have lost so much learned you can't trust anyone, i know most things women at the age of 30 never get to grips with. I don't rely on anyone else I'm in dependant and happy with who i am. I know i come across as angry a lot at the moment because i am but I'm managing to control it again.

I have always been quiet my mother says everyone noticed it i opened up to my grandad but once he died that was it back into the silence again,annoyed my dad a lot mum loved it confused the other mums and said things they never expected purely honest.

I have all these memories i need to made sense of now. Prelims next week i wont do well in. Who care life will turn out well :D I'm going to study the best i can, not good enough you deal with it.

xx
*Darko*

all i find

Just one week until my first prelim, and the situation is that i have done next to no revision, I have everything planned out for what i should be doing and i know deep down that after tonight i will do it all but tonight is not my night. I am just sitting here swimming in my own thoughts and feelings I'm not sad or happy. I know that later on i will get so sick of justifying my lack of work that i will actually complete my homework for tomorrow but not actually do any revision in fact no i will i Will revise English by reading the book again, which i actually enjoy alot. Really it doesn't count because normally revision is something your not meant to enjoy.

Just need to get these three prelims out of the way then i can relax for a few days and then get ready for the others that aren't for another two weeks. I hate prelims people take them so seriously if i fail these i know everyone will just shout at me and give me the "looks" like need that.

Charlotte's 18Th this weekend and i can't wait! Its going to be a great night for her just wish i could get her a better present and a better birthday event like a party or something but i think the film is all she cares about.

I really should be a bit more pleasant towards people, god only knows what people think of me, would be interesting to know probably really funny. I guess no one ever knows what people truly think of them. I know who i want to be and I'm happy with my self i just don't care and its great!

anyway there was a purpose to this post.....

don't remember it oh well,

speak later x
*Darko*

Today was an awesome day, Went to see twilight which is a very good movie. I'm going to read the books now, feel bad that i didn't before but i was busy, i know no excuse but hey you try being me not easy! Anyway spent time with Charlotte and Lucy who i don't know very well and my opinion of her is unclear. Charlotte also got to meet my mum, i really miss her but I'm glad two of the most important people in my life got to meet.

There is a lot of tension now at times when we got out as a group, Charlotte, Lara and Miriam are always there and the two German girls don't get on very well and when Charlotte and Miriam didn't get on. I like having friends to go out with, without them think i would go mad! Life here is so difficult sometimes and not because of the Adults or how difficult it is to know if your happy or sad but just how many things there are going on around, that not everyone else can see but here I feel to free and creative and strong at times and yet i can also feel so trapped and suffocated at the same point.

I know I'm going to uni next year and studying history, well that's the plan and been secured but what do i want to do as a career when I'm older whats my plans yeah to travel and experience everything i can, i have so many dreams will i have the guts to carry out any of them?
I shouldn't be worrying about this now but i am!
Its not good or healthy i know.

There is no hello this time, no its 2009 time for change i think. New years resolution don't have on never will, if i did i wouldn't speak it in words, as soon as you do that its never going to happen. I'm going to have a change though in my life i think this year is going to be much more positive than last. which was full of letting myself down, doing things i promised myself if never would do and hurting so many people. That's it though. Its out my system, well lets hope so this year is different. I'm not making radical changes or anything like that, yes a whole new me! Ha never going to happen. One thing i do want to deal with and get rid of is this constant anger i have for everything that's happened to me, i don't want to go through life believing it owes me, it never does or will. I am going to think about things more, but not analyse myself to much or be to hard on myself if it happens it happens no point dwelling on it won't change anything. I want to learn and experience new things but not in a accademic way, want to learn more about my interests and has my passions back again.

This first week of school has been horrible, so much hard work i only got like 12 hours sleep. Its over now though thank god, i can now relax and begin handing things in on time again instead of having to explain to teachers why so much is late. Now i can move forward and be more organised and have more time to myself again, poor bass has been neglected. ALthough living in the envrionment i'm in at the moment does have a few emoitional challanges, like i often wonder if this is what it would be like if my parents hadn't split. Sometimes i feel like a outsider looking in, but most of the time i do feel like part of it all and everyones so supportive and good fun at times it makes me want to cry because i have no other way of expressing my appreciation for what they have given me. I often get awkward wanting to say something but feeling it would be hugely inappropiate and not apprecaited something that doesn't need to be spoken about or said, its already known.

5th Januray

Hi

January 5Th, Half ten in the morning, a Saturday. I was ten and wanted t grow up so much be a teenager, independent, i would lie in bed until ten so i could have a lie in just like teenagers did, i looked forward to writing essays like teenagers did, i wanted to hang out and listening to music like teenagers did. I was young innocent and very quiet and perceptive of the world around me.
I walked down stairs ready to brag about my long lie in although all i had done was lie in bed since 9 o'clock. Mum was on the phone i could see her through the glass door of the lounge, her long nightie and woolly cardigan. I could hear the anger in her voice but it was different from usual, more disappointment and sadness almost as if she was just giving up or like she had just been given some horrible news.
I guess she had, it was the moment Mum knew she had to leave my Dad, he wanted her too and no matter how hard she thought anymore he wouldn't change his mind he wanted this and he got it all right, be careful what you wish for i guess.

Before this the worst day of my life was when grandad died, Although since then he has always been with me in my mind, i make decisions and he has his input i have photos and things from the past that are his, but i wont ever have him back, I always wonder how things would be if he was still alive.

You would expect January the 5Th to be the worst day of my life. Due to it i have so many mental issues the doctors don't know where to start if i ever let them which i never will, I am so angry all the time it becomes over whelming, I can't let anyone in, all i want to do is cause myself as much pain as possible physically.
I would never change anything that's happened to me, in the past 6 years i have been through so much shit i promised myself one day i would write a book about it, I was trying to put it all down on here but i just can't bring myself to do it.

Why am i even doing this..........

*sighs*

Lost once again. Another 5Th of January passes by, one more piece of shit to deal with.