5th Januray

Hi

January 5Th, Half ten in the morning, a Saturday. I was ten and wanted t grow up so much be a teenager, independent, i would lie in bed until ten so i could have a lie in just like teenagers did, i looked forward to writing essays like teenagers did, i wanted to hang out and listening to music like teenagers did. I was young innocent and very quiet and perceptive of the world around me.
I walked down stairs ready to brag about my long lie in although all i had done was lie in bed since 9 o'clock. Mum was on the phone i could see her through the glass door of the lounge, her long nightie and woolly cardigan. I could hear the anger in her voice but it was different from usual, more disappointment and sadness almost as if she was just giving up or like she had just been given some horrible news.
I guess she had, it was the moment Mum knew she had to leave my Dad, he wanted her too and no matter how hard she thought anymore he wouldn't change his mind he wanted this and he got it all right, be careful what you wish for i guess.

Before this the worst day of my life was when grandad died, Although since then he has always been with me in my mind, i make decisions and he has his input i have photos and things from the past that are his, but i wont ever have him back, I always wonder how things would be if he was still alive.

You would expect January the 5Th to be the worst day of my life. Due to it i have so many mental issues the doctors don't know where to start if i ever let them which i never will, I am so angry all the time it becomes over whelming, I can't let anyone in, all i want to do is cause myself as much pain as possible physically.
I would never change anything that's happened to me, in the past 6 years i have been through so much shit i promised myself one day i would write a book about it, I was trying to put it all down on here but i just can't bring myself to do it.

Why am i even doing this..........

*sighs*

Lost once again. Another 5Th of January passes by, one more piece of shit to deal with.