Come into my world.

Well this Is what I call pleasant. Sitting outside on the porch, where only a few weeks ago I was sitting trying to revise for my History exam. Listening and trying to appreciate the buzz of a neighbors lawnmower and the bark of a dog far off in the distance. I was walking down into town from school that other day and I was looking out to what was in front of me. This beautiful view, the sea mountains and pleasant place that Helensburgh is, but I couldn’t appreciate any of it or enjoy the situation I was in, not having school to deal with and being able to spend time doing things I enjoy. I don’t know what I enjoy anymore or what I want or like to do anymore!!! I don’t feel anything!! Its driving me mad. What’s bothering me even more is that I have an idea of how I want things and what I could do and create to make me happy. When ever I get the opportunity to do it I just sit and can’t find a tiny bit of energy or enthusiasm to do anything!! Even something small like get some to eat or open the window. What is wrong with me?

This scene would be perfect if it wasn’t for this weight constantly pulling me down. If this is what its like to be in the real world or “big world” as adults like t refer to it as, well I need something more because how they deal with this every day I have no idea. I owe people money and its not a lot but its bothering me, and there isn’t anyone really moaning about it to be or bothering me about it. Its all in my head, always on the back of my mind. I used to have so much control, and most people complain about the loss of it and yeah it is driving me nuts!! I can’t help but feel if I am to be able to cope in this world I’ve to let go of my dreams and what I wish to do with my time. I’m not willing to let go of these ideas and ideals in my mind, they are the only things that keep me going and that I really have everything else and one can just leave walk off but these can’t because they are mind the only things I can have that people and man kind can’t touch and damage.

Wrote this a couple of days ago….

“I have done this journey so many times now I can’t count. Why I’m so nervous and paranoid about something going wrong I’m not sure. It all seems to simple and working to well. Its something I have planned and wanted to do and for it to go well and as planned is unknown to me. On the train writing this, feels weird , like I should be writing an article or something, which I’m not but it would be cool if I was.

I thought of a great idea for a book when I was waiting at the train station. Although can’t remember it well now, will have to write it down when I get the chance. The usual Annan folk at the station, make me laugh all saying hello to each other and smiling and waving, such good actors. One woman made a right arse of herself. She was sitting in one of those…. Erm, what you call them.. shelter things you get at train stations, outside, they echo everything can’t have a conversation inside them without everyone overhearing. Yeah well she was sitting in that with a few other people and her mobile phone went off, as if that wasn’t bad enough, her ring tone was hilarious and embarrassing. Classic! She was so panicked, couldn’t find it in her bag, bit of paper and contents from her bag falling everywhere. She eventually found it follow with a huge sigh of relief and quick look around making sure she disturb to many people, but she did. AS soon as she answered it her back was up straight and tried to put herself back together again, regain some dignity, like the contents of her bag on the floor. I just giggled and shared a understanding with the man inside the shelter trying very hard to laugh to. People. “