comfortably Numb

A month ago today i had just started my exams, English was over with and i had just finished business. It felt good to get them started and i was nearly half way through with two of the most important exams over and done with. Now when i think back to those days i feel happy and almost manage a smile. Although it was painful and mind numbing, i had something to concentrate on and focus my energy onto. I'm not saying i would want to go back to that, hell no it was awful and horrible at the time. However where mt mind is now, the issues I'm struggling with are much more difficult mentally and a whole different ball game from the exams.

As soon as the exams were over we had to put up with out of bounds, which was horrible apart from one night, where i thought for a moment i had actually had a good time and on that day i had but the other 5 days were hell on earth. Stuck with the chair! I love Scotland and the group wasn't that bad but it was far from the situation i wanted to be in or any place in the world i wanted to be or the company i desired, at this point in my life. It was soon over though, all be it not fast enough for my liking at the time. The idea of trusting 10 other people i didn't know for three days and having no was of contacting anyone outside of my clan was my worst nightmare but i still smile when i think back to the experience, because although it wasn't my favourite adventure, i would do it all again. I don't understand it either.

The day i got back from out of bounds i had to pack everything ready to move back to Annan. AGAIN. This was the day i had been longing for since Easter, so why the hell did i feel so.. fell nothing! no emotion what so ever. Surprise surprise. Now I'm here experiencing the longest month of my life. When my exams started i wanted them to be over, when they were over i wanted out of bounds to begin, once it began i wanted it to be over, then i just wanted to get to my mums and now I'm here, i just want to scream!!

I'm so confused and lost, I have hardly any money, need a job near impossible to find, My summer looks to be shit, i don't actually care. I have made plans for a camping trip and festival which i can only go on if i get a job and even if i get a job getting time off will be painful. Through all this i have to see doctors and specialists, who make me want to scream and tare my skin apart at the thought of even going near the building of which they are inside never mind actually communicating with them. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, i can feel the air blowing around me, edging me further and further over the side. My feet gripping me to the ground. I want so bad to fall, there for making it impossible to do.

I say i feel all these emotions, but i don't I'm completely numb constantly, i know i should be feeling these things, but I'm not so to stop myself losing everything around me i pretend to feel how i should, constantly putting on this act for myself and everyone else. Getting up, making the first cup of tea for the day, meeting up with friends, looking for jobs, visiting family members. When all i really want to do and could easily do is just sit and stare motionless at a brick wall, thinking and feeling nothing about the selfishness of my actions.

I've been trying since i got here on Saturday, to write something, anything, mum says its healthy and i believe it is, i know it effects me somewhere deep inside, i can only feel it ever so slightly though, but it is reassuring. Nothing satisfies, i read books, and listen to music they don't even give me that kick of life that they used to, i try new things, it might make me feel calmer or even a little warm glow flicker inside me, but only for a few moments. Nothing lasts. One person really makes me come to life, even though they are miles away i feel lighter and free when i communicate with them, i feel i can actually physically and mentally wake up and breath some real air for a moment and not have to pretend. Its brilliant.

I'm 17 years old, finished school, feel like I'm losing my mind and people say I'm experiencing a mental break down. Funny isn't it, i wouldn't know i don't feel anything anymore. I'm so lost and confused, well i imagine i must be. I get up every morning, have an apple, they say your meant to eat healthy i thought i might as well try, don't need to carry anymore quilt around with me, i take the usual pain killers for the constant headache, rub on the bio oil to cover the scars, not for my sake but the sake of others. Venture down stairs to make a cub of tea, communicating with Aunt and Nan they are always so happy in the morning its pleasant to wake up to.

I should be happy here, i think somewhere inside this is good for me, I have my freedom here and therefore i should be happy and content right? peace of mind. Ha like that ever excised. I don't know what to do with it.

I sound like I'm complaining, and to be honest when this numbness first crept in i was unaware and unsure and disliked it. I'm starting to like it, being so fucked up in my own mind thinking what ever i want no boundaries. I'm losing it, I'm falling i can feel it but at the same time I'm growing and almost becoming a better person for it all. I don't have to deal with emotions, so i can do and act simply how I'm naturally meant to be as a person. I'm giving myself my own freedom and that makes me smile, deep inside somewhere, almost enough to effect the outside.