don't remember writing this post,... oh well!

I have moved back into my nans, two weeks after the incident, in many respects things are getting better. However i do get my exam results in exactly two weeks so things could get a whole lot worse. Not that i need them that much because I'm not going to university anymore. Decided to do a course at dumfries college, its closer to home and can only be for a year if i want, meaning i can always continue onto uni at some later point but at the moment everyone thinks i should be here to continue with getting the mental health care i need. My mum asked me if i feel myself again or if i still don't feel right, i answered saying i still don't feel right but then i got thinking. What am i suppose to feel to be feeling myself? I can't remember a time thinking, oh i do feel like myself today. I haven't got a clue what I'm suppose to be looking out for, in ways for me to start feeling myself. I wondered about it for a little longer and soon came to the conclusion that when i feel myself, will be the day i feel comfortable, at a calm with myself. To be honest most days are constant battles. What comes naturally to people such as, eating when your hungry, going to bed when your tired and being social towards people, is sometimes the most difficult thing in the world for me. Even knowing what I'm in a good or bad mood for, or to begin with what kind of mood I'm in and how to deal with it.

I actually managed to leave the house today with a sleveless top on aswell, which felt great! It was only a short walk out with the dog, and i didn't actually bumb into anyone at all. However it still felt good and reminded me of the confidence i used to have being about just to roam around showing so much skin. It also demonstrated for me how badly my confidence has been affected, i felt uncomfortable, exposed and like everyone was looking at me thinking "what the fuck, who does she think she is!". At one point i even thought i could see the dog thinking it, and looking at me as if to say what the hell!? I know this is upsurd but the voice in my head have liturelly taken over, so much so that they sound like me and I'm thinking them on my own accord, its no longer sounding as if its coming from a different person, only rarely does that now happen. I wonder if i will ever escape these voices. I highly doubt it now that they have become such a strong part of me, I will always be quite a negative person, just have to make sure its not all towards myself. Not saying i should be negative towards other people but if someones being a twat, its time to realise its not my fault.

So back the college course i was talking about, its training to become a mechanic, I'm surprised by how supportive and helpful everyone has been over it. I found out Batman ( Bryony) Is doing the same course next year so its great because means i wont be stuck on my own and i can get a lift into work. I'm so greatful for having Batman as a friend, without her i would be completely on my own with only craig and john as friends and no ofence to them but sometimes its just so good to talk to a girl! I'm greatful for the friends i do have, which isn't many, one friend i really am missing, can't wait for him to come down for my 18th, if he does that is.