OK. that post i just published was utter shit!
You know what, I'm going to write a complete frank, and honest, post and account for whats going on with me at the moment. In my mind.
I feel physically sick with this whole place, society, people this endless needless spectrum of emotion that everyone says they experience. No ones ever completely honest and open with their emotions with other people or themselves. In my mind, this brings out ideas. = These days emotions are becoming meaningless and pathetic, a fashion statement. No ones ever at ease or free to express their emotions, emotions lead onto actions and if people are being dishonest about their emotions how can they carry out, the actions they want to or do what they feel is right. They can't that doesn't matter anymore. Its politically incorrect.
Everyone has expectations of how others should act, react and be, how situations should turn out. People are under pressure to be liked, loved and appreciated, and therefore follow through with these actions and pressured desires. Thinking its what they want, what will bring them happiness, fulfillment = bullsh*t! Eventually they get lost in these emotions and believe that its not them that are causing their unhappiness but other areas and people in their lives, and blame it on the things others think cause the problems, work, partners, children, family, friends. all that jazz.
Its a fashion statement to act and feel certain ways, people are persuaded by music, magazines, the news. Family are meant to be there for you no matter what you do, they stand next to you no matter who or what you are. That's a basic rule or is suppose to be. So they are a necessary evil. They don't have a choice in the matter. Apparently. That in my mind sucks, not only do they not have to love or care about your welfare but they have to act like they do to put on a front to the outside world that the family is a strong unit. Once you turn your back on them, you should be shamed.
Friends.. So many different types. I have as few as possible and only one or two who really know me that well at all. In fact i know only one person who knows everything about me. I don't know everything about them, so therefore i feel this insecurity, constant need for reassurance that they aren't going to leave me, let me down or turn against me. Everyone else, well we all use each other, as long as its both for the same reasons its all OK, right??
Emotions, I'm trying to say, will never be shown, they will never be placed clearly to see on the table. Emotions are caused by thoughts, which are influenced by chemicals in the mind which decide your likes and dislikes, there for the music, news paper, and people you associate with. Thoughts are peoples most private possessions and there for, showing true emotions and real actions could cause a window into the thoughts and the mind and god forbid that happen!
I have been told to share my emotions with people, tell people whats going on inside my head, be honest, talk open up, let us in to help. I did, before i would always say i didn't care what people thought but it was always on my mind. Now i seriously don't and with this my actions and thoughts will follow this. I opened up let people in they did what they had to and that's me done, with it i have gained a freedom, of speech and thought more areas to explore.
What i found difficult was that because my actions became physically, dangerous to myself and others i was forced to reveal all. However no one, was willing to completely reveal all to me. None of the specialists, obviously family members wont and friends are awkward and don't know what to say at times but just smile and accept it. I can't believe that people care for me or want to help me because, I don't see how they can know what they want, I can't rely on them to know what to do, how to feel or act. I can't believe they really truly want to help me or be there for me because everyone has a secret agenda, their own personal, selfish reasons for doing things. How do i know they are doing it for me and not themselves. I don't and the truth is, i know they will never just do it for me, they might believe and argue to the death that its all for me but deep deep down its just as much for themselves as it is me. I will never believe what people say or rely on their assumed emotions and thoughts because its not truly them talking.
I believe you can only truly trust and know someones true intentions and truly believe their reasons and care for you and dedication when they are sacrificing whats most important to them and honestly using strong actions. Body language says a lot more than words every could. Actions shout and scream and communicate so much more than the English language or any other language ever could. The day i will truly trust someone enough to share and reveal all with them i the day they are willing to give up everything just to have that honest and pure human involvement with me. What you have to ask yourself is though, would you actually ask them to give up everything and put them to the test with the fear of them not doing it and would you do the same for them.
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