Self Destruction

A week ago yesterday, i tried to kill myself. Obviously it wasn't successful in the fact that it didn't kill me, but now I'm wondering maybe it was just what i needed. The first few days up to Monday and Tuesday were horrible, to be honest i don't remember much i anything. I was just stuck in a horrible daze people would talk to me but what they were saying or the importance of it i was never sure of. I'm now under constant supervision as agreed by the doctors otherwise i will be back into the hospital ward as a danger to myself. Its very true at the moment i am my own worst enemy, I don't know what i will do next and i know I'm more than capable of trying to kill myself again. I hate using the phrase "kill myself" from now on I'm going to refer to it as ..... Bag. When i tried to bad myself it was irrational but something i had been thinking of for ages. It was inevitably going to happen i just needed something to slightly tip the boat and i would go over the edge. I was so fragile, a bomb waiting to go off, anything could of been the spark. Sadly it just happened to be that i was dumped. And there it was, next thing you know I'm running home at full speed overwhelmed with emotions, losing control rapidly. In fact i would say it was gone, long gone. Grabbed the pills and razor. Next thing I'm in an ambulance and my mum and dad are at the hospital waiting for me

I can't trust myself, so the idea of being able to trust someone is unknown to me. People are only human and will eventually let you down, now one can keep the facade going on for ever, pretending eventually they will slip up. When they do its yourself you have to rely on. I'm snookered then.

To be honest none of this is actualy what i want to say. I don't have a fucking clue!! what i want to say, i dont know where to fucking begin. All i know is that eveyrone is saying its going to get better and this is just the beginning and i know i have so much to look forward to, going to get my own car soon learn to drive and begin the courses of becoming a mechanic, which i have always wanted to do.
. I still feel this heavy burden on my sholders and pull down, i still have this desire, strong desire to just cut my arms to bits and destory myself. I'm stuck on this self destruct mode and i don't know how to switch it off.