shes lost control again

I want to be alone, happy with my own company. I thought i was craving someone to with, share my life with, but I'm not sure that's what I'm after.
I want to be comfortable, at peace and content just being here, on my own in my room, reading. Valuing my own company, who i am as a person. Happy with me.
How can i appreciate and like who i am though? and how can i expect anyone else too when i can't do it for myself?

Winter is coming, the nights are getting darker earlier. As usual in this town its raining, damp, cloudy, gray but not yet cold. I'm scared about the darkness ahead that comes with winter, the loneliness and sadness that comes with it. Not looking forward to whats coming, having to deal with it in my room, hiding, things are worse during the night. I'm terrified. Winter is the best time of the year for me normally. Makes me feel my strongest emotions, most connected with them.

What i write ii feel like I'm sharing it with someone as if I'm on T.v or something as if, i have an audience. But i don't its just me who reads it, just my mind who i show and discuss it with. I'm trying to imagine someone to share it with but i can't picture anyone i would want to open up to it all, but i can't picture anyone who would react or say or understand the way i do in my own mind. How could they? I can only think of one person who gets me but they aren't around sadly and I'm quite glad their not to see me in this state.

What I'm asking for, looking for i someone who is my mind, its voices, opinions, and understanding but in human form. I hope one day i will find someone who will be my audience but i doubt it al ot of the time. How could i ask that of anyone? it would be selfish of me, I just dreaming.
It would be easier for me to just accept and know myself without relying on another human, who would have their own agenda, problems and cards to being to the table. The some how links to my desire for my own death, relief from everything but I'm not completely sure how.

I think I'm losing it again. Seriously.last time i went nuts! cut off all my hair, just wasn't myself
now i think its happening again but worse. Last time i lost it mentally, but not physically, its going too, I'm not eating right, i have shivers convulsions, i pull at my hair, go cold very quickly, I'm making myself ill, i have to sit and curl up into a ball until it goes away, I'm riding waves of pain but i can' feel them anymore emotionally so now they are physically getting me.
i might go back to the hospital they can lock me up for a while.