where's my lighter!!

My party is tomorrow, i guess i am excited? I don't know anymore. I don't mind having loads of people over and being social and the host and everything and making sure everyone is comfortable and having a good time. What i think is bothering me is having to dress up and try look god, its just not me and i don't think i will look good, probably just uncomfortable and ridiculous.  I feel quite alone in it all, i know its for me but I'm not sure of the role i play.  The more i think about it, if i was to sneak out during the party people would be socializing and keeping themselves entertained would they really notice my absence. I'm not saying i would want everyone to constantly be talking to me and all the attention to be on me i would hate that!! I don't know what i going on about, i don't understand my reasons for feeling this way. I am getting the shivers and cold sweats thinking about it. 

I have been helping nan organize and clean the house for the past few days and i don't think its helping with the calming process I'm trying to put myself through. I am looking forward to getting this over and done with and wednesday coming so i can get me new pet bird :D and officially being eighteen. Anyway i think its time for another coffee, more suzanne vega and a another cigarette.