Low

Today.. has been, crap.

I was woken from peaceful slumber, by the alarm clock i forgot i had set, a week ago at 8 am to get up for a train. Went back to bed to be woken again, realizing i had slept in and probably shuld get up because my cousin, who i was suppose to be baby sitting had arrived, nice and lively for 10 in the morning, oh joy!

He wanted to paint, then watch tv, then eat, and do everything at once, but got bored so quickly i had just sat down to start painting with him, and he had finished gone to show nan and now wanted to watch t.v. I wasn't bothered thought it was a good oppertunity to read, and maybe shut him up for a few minutes, which it did, but only for minutes. Soon enough his Father came to pick him up. I ran out the house soon after hoping to find something in town to occupy myself, soon realizing i was going to fail misserably, got some movies and food to bring back and spend the night in my room hiding and getting through this depression on my own. The best way i think.

However think i will avoid the supermarket for a few days... hope i got everything i need. The basket i picked broke while i was in the middle of the store, and then as usual i had to deal with old class mates who serve you, which is highly embarrising and awkward when, A, its your personal shopping, B, they didn't like you in schoo, and C, you still have no confidence and are almost more pathetic than when they used to take the piss out of you at school.

Bought the shittest magazine ever, don't quite know what i was thinking!

Trying to provok, some sort of emotion within myself, which today just seems like a complete failure, I woke up feeling low, sad and like I'm about to burst into tearsm which would be ok, because normally i would cry to myself or find some way to deal with it. But due to the fact i can't self harm anymore and crying well i haven't done that in months! I'm quite fucked in terms of having a good day.

Now I'm going to watch zombies eat people, walk the dog and have some left overs for dinner. Brilliant evening for miss Heather Jane walker. Perfect ¬¬