Teenage years

This blog means the world to me but it is from a time in my life that is so different from the one I'm living now that it doesn't feel right to suddenly start posting on it again after so long and so much has changed. So i started a new blog for my readers of which there are about two here is a link.
http://hez-thebeginnings.blogspot.com/

This probably makes no sense.

People, People, PEOPLE.

The thing is, it's people from school that are annoying me. Apparently facebook is a place were the twats from high school, who you really didn't like in the first place and vice versa, add you and write: irriating, happy, go lucky, friendly, shite on your page like " How are you?" " oh is going for a fag then bed" WHO GIVES A RATS ARSE!? I don't like facebook and yet I'm on it, and i still don't know why, its just to laugh and take the piss really. I guess.

Argh!

People that think they are cool just aren't and just come across as fake and desperate. People who think They are the people, most deffinetly aren't the people.

People can go fuck themselves and if one more pointless shit head from schoolwho never liked me, bitched about me or just adds me to show how great their life if can get lost, and can get wacked across the head with a roof slate for all i care.

Stupid, fuck wits

Hello all,

So much has changed i don't know where to start so i guess lets start with the simple stuff.
.... I can't think of anything.

I don't know what to say....

Just one thing, I'm sorry Yvonne and Nicole.

I feel i can't do this anymore, got to see a talker that i don't know, back on the meds, I'm living with my boyfriend, sister and her boyfriend, all in a smal house. I really need to write a book about this.

it's just a soul crying out.

I guess i should have seen it coming, I've been moaning for change for months and now I've got i don't know how to deal with it. It almost feels as if i have had my heart broken, i can't eat, sleep, it consumes me, why would this happen, whats brought it on?

I don't understand the risks they're taking, the only way i could possibly understand it was if they were one hundred percent certain about it. It's such a big risk i emotionally don't know how to comprehend it which makes it even more of a shock. I was angry, confused and really upset when i found out. For years, a huge majority of my life i have been trying my hardest to ignore what could have been, things i should have had, stopped myself from wondering why others can experience it but i can't. I just accepted it, and came to the conclusion as quickly as i could that it was just the way my life was suppose to be and learned to live with it. Since then the world has become somewhere i don't understand the slightest, i have lost trust in most things, nothing simple anymore in fact when i look back to my past i don't see anything clearly everything is a big mess of colours and so many memories its over whelming. I don't see one happy moment of my life, or a really fun, boring, sad, exciting or scary moment i see many different moments of emotions some have all the emotions at the same time and some have emotions i don't even have words for.

All i can say on the subject now is i hope it's all worth it because if this doesn't work and i have been opened to this threat for no reason i don't know how i would deal with that. As i said almost nine years of my life i have spend avoiding this, protecting myself and others from it, now to have it ripped open and let out into the day light for everyone to see was almost to much to begin with but if it was all for nothing but to now live with these once buried emotions now very much alive in me every minute of every day as well as everything else. I think i might just burst.

How long is it going to be like this? Everything is wrong! I don't know how to make it right, or what right is or even what the hell it is thats wrong. I want a life! I want to have fun and actually look forward to something and is it much to ask to actually feel excited about something!! Excitement would be awesome or just feeling good, a nice warm feeling like if i died now it would be fine by me. I'm 18 meant to be best uears of my like and its the most dull and boring and shit!

Check out tiffany page.

X

This room is so small and all my stuff is in it and Ryans, it's a bit of a nightmare. Normally it doesn't bother me, but I don't know whats wrong with me lately. I watch TV shows i normally hate and look at how their lives are turning out and where mine is and comparing (which is never good) getting frustrated and completely fed up with everything. I have no friends where i live apart from people i know through Ryan.I'm suppose to be starting college in August if i turn up to the interview which i want to do still but to be honest I'm kind of scared and what if i complete;y suck? I just wish i could find something I'm actually good at and something i can specialise in and say yeah I can kick your ass at this. Its pathetic i know.

I think this all started when someone reminded me at work of someone who i really dislike. I met them a few years ago while living in Annan and they just made me feel like this - - big. They opened the door and i lost my words they had this Ora about them and everyone loved them and they have the life style i could of had did everything better than me and got what ever they wanted. I guess i knew before that i was a bit of a loser but always hoped i would be someone or have at least something more to my name. This person brings out the worst in me and in the end its turned out I'm the bad person and even More of a loser than i initially thought i was and now I'm alone apart from Ryan and family and charlotte in Glasgow. Thats! another thing! This peson is living there, my home no way are they good enough or even appreciatetive anough and argh what am i talking about they have probably made everyone their fall in love with them and think that they are the best thing since sliced bread and have met everyone i knew and turned all them against me.

I' know I'm being stupid but i can't help it i feel like crap and thinking about them today was like a kick in the face when I'm already down. I'm just frustraited because I'm in a job that i can't go any further in because I'm starting college in August which seems like ages away and I'm just wasteing time until then. I have no friends but as everyone says I'm sure I will make friends at college but thats like my summer fucked and Argh. I miss Charlotte its hard getting the money to go up and see her i should be able to in May, and she will have finished her exams by then i think. Anyway the room is a mess again and its only a day later since i last spoke about it.

Shift it!

I’m stressed and I have no idea why. Today I have got up and sat around the room with the TV on doing nothing when I actually have quite a lot to do. The washing needs done, the Dishes, Need to have a shower, clean the room and be organised in time to leave for the bus to go visit my Dad. This room is a mess and I can’t even blame me boyfriend because it is mostly my mess. Argh there is an awkward part on the TV between to people who were married then split then tried again and split again and it cringe to watch. Argh this show is awful!! I want to scream, my skin is crawling!!!

Now their singing!! That’s it changing the channel... I can’t find the remote!! Ahhh!

Ok, got it, sorted.

AHHH it’s got worse!! Someone is proposing and its HORRIBLE AHAHAHAHAHAHA, I want to cry!!!

Oh, it’s actually quite sad... Oh well defiantly turning over now.

I should probably write something that is worth reading, recently I’ve been really stressed because i felt I was running out of time, you know. Now doing anything with my time and it would all go to waste and I had this image of me being an old woman sitting in her lounge having done nothing she had planned for her life. I don’t want to be like that, I would love to travel the world, find a profession I’m great at and enjoy, seeing and experiencing so many things the world has to offer. I have to stop freaking out though and just enjoy whatever is happening and instead of sitting feeling shit about the area I live and how little there is to do, I should be out there making the most of what little it does have to offer. There is plenty I could be doing with my time I’m just too lazy to actually get up off my arse and do it. I could go for bike rides and long walks, I normally wait until Ryan is round to do that stuff but why should I? I don’t have to confidence to go out on my own but I’m never going to get it if I don’t get out there and actually do it!! I used to have to confidence I wouldn’t have even given it a second thought.

SO yeah rant over and I’m still bloody sitting here... That’s it,

Get up!!

hmm what too saayyy.....

This morning wasn't the best start to things, I was on my way to get the bus for going to the doctors and it never turned up so i couldn't go again, which i feel bad about. Actually.. Thats all that really happened today now i think about it. Ryan and me moved his room around which was funny, He ended up getting stressed and said i wasn't helping. tehe, oh well. I think the moving of the room came on after last night i went in a mood with him because i felt iw as making most of the sacrifices and that he wasn't bothered about my moving day. I had brought all my stuff over and he just wanted to get it sorted out so he could play his game. Which was fair enough it was a new game but at the same time, this was me moving in, offically. Having my stuff in his house and actually living here, i needed space to put and have as my own to put things and have a home for my things and it was like he wasn't willing to spare anyroom apart form a few draws. Anyway, He has made an effort now so its dealt with.

There really isn't much else to say apart from that.

Laters

I have to go to the doctors and i really!! Can't be bothered!!!!!

Toooo daa dooo

Hi again.

I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Its very exciting, i think i would be more excited if i felt any strong vibe from him that he is OK with it. It was his and his Mum's suggestion, I'm just worried that now it's all going ahead he wont want it as much. I wonder if he realizes how much of a change its going to make to his life and mine, as well as his mum's. I have packed my stuff to keep it to a minimum but there is still a lot and I'm particular about how i have it layed out. I know there will have to be sacrifices I'm prepared for that, I just wonder if he is and argh just whats going on in his head!?

I miss Charlotte, i dunno why, I think its just hanging out with a good friend i miss. I know i know i have Ryan but that's different we are going out and now and as much as i love spending time with him, so much so that when he is gone for not even two days i don't know what to do with myself. How pathetic. I just miss going to the cinemas or just somewhere to go chill out and say hello. I keep having these dreams were I'm being chased by someone and many people, for about a week now and almost, if not every night. Normally they are after someone i care about such as Ryan, Charlotte my sisters or my Mum. I usually get them away safely and than i have to deal with the people trying to kill us. Its horrible not matter what i do i know in the end i will die. I know I'm dying every night and i don't know what to do, they're getting worse.

Do you ever feel that you are a spectator of your own life, like you watch each day pass but your not quite part of it. I have felt like that for quite a while now, and slowly i believe I'm beginning to come out of it, waking up almost. This is a horrible experience. It causes more panic attacks stress and worry but at the same time I'm still floating so to some extent I'm still chilled inside and almost just don't care anymore. I don't give a damn about anything that i don't see as highly important or worthwhile.

The page for writing a post is really uninspiring. Its hard to find inspiration for anything at the moment. The idea of sitting in the garden reading while smoking and drinking some nice wine is pleasant in my head, but as soon as i go to do it, i can't be arsed. All interest is lost i just don't care anymore. I keep thinking and seeing people in the media, news, websites, doing things important and special with their time, becoming known and helpful or use full in something, anything in life, having an impact and then i look at my own life and all i see is empty days pass by. Days full of work, watching movies, TV or listening to music, spending time with Ryan or Charlotte or avoiding going home. All there is is nothing, so there is nothing at all, no all involved, in fact no all even thought about. I guess you could argue well its a life, and yes it is, but whats the use of it? So many other people are doing the same thing there must be more we are put here to do than just that. I cant just accept that as it, as that's all there is and to accept would mean having accepted my life as is and i just can't do that.

I want to do something with my life and why should i have to wait until this happens or for when time is ready. While thinking of something worthwhile to do all i can come up with is the idea of writing my book. I haven't done anything with it for a while. That's the only way i can see myself getting heard, having an impact and something near any kind of good coming out of this life that is supposedly mine. We are 63 days into this year and what have i done with it? nothing i will remember for a long time. Think about how many hours, days, weeks, months are in one persons life time, and how much of it they actually remember? Is that a waste? Why are we given such long lives, with so much in it, when also cursed with such small memories that we can't withhold all the times and moments in life we've experienced.


I started this year content in my job, going out with someone else, spending most time in watching TV with boyfriend and family or online talking to my best friend Charlotte. I was writing a song for a friends college course. By the end of January and the beginning of February, I had left my boyfriend, spending more time with Charlotte and avoiding family. In February i have spent most of the month hanging out with Ryan listening to music, and falling in love again. Sharing thins with someone is special and I'm grateful to have him in my life, reminding me I'm not completely numb. Went to see 30 seconds to Mars and they we bloody brilliant! Saw jarred Leto up close and managed to get Charlotte the autograph of someone she had a crush on. which i was pleased with and obviously she was too.

Argh.

Shut up.

I'm still at Ryan's, probably boring him to death and making him resort to the hyper and crazy mood he's got himself into. So whats happening at the moment.... hmm.

I'm tyring to get full time at work and book off holidays i have a feeling my boss will say no to both of those. If he does then i am screwed. Hoping to learn to drive soon, but i need money to do that and at the moment anything i have coming in is taken out in seconds and i don't know how!!?!?!?!

Argh! I have to return home tonight and i really don't want too, Things are difficult with Mum at the moment, and i have to go see my talker tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to. Basically at the moment, i can feel myself getting down again and not for the first time, i can't stop it, Its going and will soon be out of control. I don't mind the falling its hitting the ground i hate. It's cold, hard and not very forgiving. People lose respect and any trust in you. Everything and everyone changes.

I want to run away, live further away, a nice comfortable distance from my family, not having to see them or deal with them everyday. I want to escape the people who make my life difficult and so fucking awkward! They dont even do anything to make it that way!!! I just feel it, I feel this way and I can't get out of it!!! I'm sTUCK feeling the same thing and thinking anf acting the same way all the fucking time. My talker gives advice and points out the things to do to change it or show where im going wrong, and its fine when im in there with her but as soon as I'm outside its all gone to fuck!

Nothing matters anymore! Everythings lost, I can't get it back, so what do i have now? If i wanted anything i couldn't get it myself because I'm so fucking pathetic and god i hate being me, trapped inside this head, just a day outside of it would beb fucking fantastic. Just to get out hear a different voice, different thoughts ideas, see and hear different [places and i just want out!!!!

that song before by the way was by paramore, called only exception.

R-A-S-H

Hello,

Argh ok so obviously I'm not writing anything of great interest due to the lack of comments.
Oh well I'm not bothered really, here is a tribute to someone.

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And cursed at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darlin,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk, but

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know your leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Oh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believe in.
Oh, And I'm on my way to believe in.

Friday = Crazy, moody, customers, tuesday= retards.

So, hmm, not much is happening. Work sucks!
I could shouted at by a random old woman today because she couldn't find the jelly ¬¬
I hate CUSTOMERS!

One week until i get paid, i haven't had a cigarette in two days! I'm going crazy. I think mum will be pissed at me once i get home ekk... But i have good new for her so it shouldn't be tooo bad...

I had to see my talker this week with my Dad, he was so sweet at first and through out the whole thing, but it was awkward. We all sat down and Ellen looked at me to start the converstation, or sesion, and i didn't have a clue what to say, It was then i realized i was probably meant to have thought about what to say before the session, instead of trying to ignore it because i was to nervous and worried about it.
Something good did come from it though, I found out my Dad doesn't see me as disappointment, which does mean a lot. It was still rather wierd, it felt like everything was all over the place and although everyone felt things had changed or cleared up, I did get that idea, but it also felt as if it was a waste of time and nothing had changed. Anyway its probably because i was talking and wasn't aware of what i was actually saying and forgot most of the questions i was answering.

Its mum's turn next..... wonder how that will go.

Songs are brilliant, perfect art.
They send signals into your brain which sparks emotions, just words, notes, chords, brilliantly simple and so complicated at the same time. They bring up emotions and memories, they put across atmospheres and moments that you couldn't explain yourself.

I think and i would probably say, thats its the only thing putting signals into my brains, that i enjoy. People confuse me, stress me.

Music is passionate and way more interesting than anything in this world, imagin living in the passionate and dreamer world of music.

i would love to live there.

its got to bet better...... right?

Research = thinking = action = not good?

Lately i have been doing research on what's going on in my local town. What i have uncovered is nothing. Nothing for my age group that is. Ok, so there is an Amateur are club and also a Annan Walking club, both of which i have decided to join as a way of furthering my research into this town. Not only that but a way of hopefully meeting new people and generally gaining some sort of belonging in this town, of which at the moment I'm not experiencing. There are a few outcomes of this i can foresee, I make loads of new friends and enter a new and exciting chapter of my life including many new and interesting people and creating a large social group. OR i could just make a complete idiot of myself and never leave my house during the day due to laughing and much pointing. 

Altogether i have no idea of the outcome of this step forward, but at least its not a step off the side of a bridge. 

I also received a leaflet that I'm guessing everyone gets once they have turned eighteen encouraging them to vote. I got to thinking and realized (shamefully) that i don't know who my local Mp is. I soon found out it was David Mundell and decided to voice my opinion to him as encouraged to do so in the leaflet. The email soon became a long one about what is available in this town for people of my age group and older and younger and to be honest i am still shocked at the lack of anything provided. This is a conservative area and as you would expect on the local government website, it goes on about improving the local NHS and how more news about what's happening should be put on the TV more often (this i agree with). 

So i don't know if i will receive an email or any advancement on the issues i mentioned will take place, i highly doubt it, but as many say lets think positive!

Not much else to update on really. 

My first day at work went well, i was seriously clumsy and most probably did everything the wrong way, but as Jane says practice makes perfect. At the end of the day though i felt good, I know i can become good at the job and hopefully go further up the ladder. I am still really looking forward to my college course on mechanics though. Can't wait to start that but also glad to have a job and increase my savings. 

What do i have to do?

This blog really has become kind of crap compared to what my usual standard is. I have been ill for the past week which was horrible! 

I start work tomorrow for the first time so quiet excited. 

I really don't have much else to say right now to be honest. 

I think this posts even worse than any of the others. 

shit.